I think that in the end, everyone it has no difference who you are needs to have people in your life that care about you and who also wants the best for you.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
Quotes on Interpersonal Communication!
Chinese proverb: Words are just words and without heart they have no meaning.
Life is far too important a thing ever to talk about.
Oscar Wilde
Ralph Nichols: The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.
Life is far too important a thing ever to talk about.
Oscar Wilde
Ralph Nichols: The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.
Fearlessly Communicating and Talking with Confidence15 November 2006 22:13 Success, Attraction, Confidence
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I am going to start off by telling you about the problems I had in communicating confidently. I have not seen much variation between people who lack confidence when talking with others so if you are short in the confidence department or just want to have more confidence in your conversations, you’ll definitely be able to relate and learn from my experience. You do not need to go through life lacking confidence and feeling dominated by others and situations.
From an early age, I was always the quiet boy. I’d sit in school knowing the answers to a question but would be too afraid to answer. I couldn’t talk to someone new. I wouldn’t look someone in the eyes if they looked back at me and I’d hardly argue with anyone. Yes arguing is a bad thing, but I avoided arguing not because it was the right thing to do, but because I was too afraid to speak up and voice my opinion. I was passive and unconfident in letting people verbally trample over me.
Being so passively accepting like I was is dangerous for your mental health. A fear to speak from poor confidence can manifest in huge forms of resentment, ill will, and anger which in turn destroys relationships, happiness, and success. You can probably see that talking with confidence is strongly related to assertive communication. Rarely do you see a person who lacks confidence asserting themselves. I’ll try to stick to the confidence side of things as you can read more about assertion in the assertive skills section.
There’s a difference with not engaging in an argument for the sake of the relationship and not engaging in an argument because you are afraid. When you have an unhealthy fear you will avoid communicating yourself, become emotionally hurt, and nothing good will result. You’ll know the truth in side of you if an unhealthy fear and a lack of confidence exists. You’ll be unhappy, extremely frustrated, scared, and feel like you want to explode. You’ll hardly voice your opinions and emotions in conversations because of fear. That was me. I was miles from communicating confidently.
In addition to this type of fear, other common forms of poor communication confidence is the unknown and fear of judgment. These are in situations like meeting new people, public speaking, or giving a presentation. I too suffered from all these fears and believe this type of fear is a pandemic in society. Many people go to public events and are fearful of communicating with others. They will do what they can to stay “under the radar” and avoid possible awkward situations where they would be required to leave their comfort zone.
I didn’t have confidence in myself even though I knew I had something interesting, useful, or helpful to say. It wasn’t safe to do so. There was a hidden psychological barrier that kept pushing me away from communicating confidently. If you’re lacking or have lacked confidence, you know what it feels like. It is a cage in your mind that has you trapped. Your mind tells you you are not allowed to leave the cage because it’s unsafe. It tells you other people will judge, criticize, reject, or disapprove you.
Becoming confident is far more about working on your inner self than what you verbally express. Verbal and non-verbal messages that express your confidence will be created once you develop confidence with your inner self. I’ll teach you later on how your inside becomes your outside which is known as the process of manifestation.
Birth of Fear
The hidden psychological barrier I earlier referred to is fear. The primary attribute in you that is stopping you from communicating confidently is fear.
Like kryptonite to superman as fear is to communicate confidently. Fear is the acid that eats away confidence. Fear is the one tonne bolder that holds back a person from being confident. Fear is the Achilles of self-confidence.
You will build more confidence once you remove the “kryptonite, acid, or one tonne bolder” that is fear. To become confident you need to have little or ultimately no fear. To remove your fears the first step is to look at your fears and understand their “birth” to see what created them.
As a baby you entered into this world in a neutral state of mind. You did not fear people looking at you or staring back at people. You did not constrain your actions because of what other people thought. You were spontaneous without a care in the world as to what other people were thinking of your actions. I think the only fear a baby has is loud noises.
This neutral state of mind changed as you aged. When you were growing up, your parents would tell you, “Watch out!”, “Don’t go there!”, “Don’t do that!”, and “You’re not allowed that!” Your parents conditioned your behavior. After being conditioned, what actions you took after that would be conditional on how you thought your parents would respond. You lost your independence to do as you wish and became dependent on your parents. What you could and couldn’t do became more and more determined by your parents. This stimulated the creation of your fear of failure or fear of success.
As you became an adult, the memories of your parents telling you “Don’t do that!” were implanted into your subconscious mind. This guides your current actions. These childhood experiences manifest into forms of “I can’t do that!” When an opportunity comes to meet someone you see who looks really interesting, powerful, or attractive, you subconsciously reaffirm to yourself “I can’t do that!” When a business opportunity arises, you don’t even have a go at starting it up because you reaffirm to yourself “I can’t do that!” You begin to give up without even trying.
In the Communication Secrets of Making People Like You program I’ve developed, I discuss what is known as the praise-blame dependency trap. The psychological trap is created when praise and blame is put on the person instead of the person’s behavior. Constant praise or blame directly communicated to a person leads them to being dependent upon it. The praise and blame becomes their behavioral “life support”. They cannot live without getting the feedback of others and living up to other people’s standards. Praise and blame leads to poor self-reliance and diminishing levels of confidence. It leads to needy behavior and requiring approval from other people which I discuss later on in this article. It leads to fear of rejection, approval, and disapproval.
Let’s firstly look at what fear is then we can further analyze how it is created and ultimately remove it from your life. Fear is defined as an unlikable emotion towards a perceived real or fake threat. Read that out loud again. It is a perceived real or fake threat.
Perceptual Process
According to psychologists, the psychological process known as “perception” where we interpret the world around us has three stages.
You are firstly exposed to the information. When in a conversation, exposure is being next to the person whom you can hear. Exposure is just a matter of coming within range of the stimulus.
Secondly is attention. It occurs when a stimulus activates one or more of our human senses. In our conversational example, you have attention to the person when you think about what is said. If the person begins to bore you or you are afraid of what the person is thinking of you, you are not thinking about the exposure and so the perceptual process would stop at this stage as you are not paying attention.
The third stage of perception is interpretation. It is the process of adding meaning to the stimulus through your thinking or feelings. The thinking often analyzes the stimulus against past experience. As a conversational example, if a guy recently abused you, you will interpret what he is saying differently than someone who is a great friend with him. You can see how interpretation and experiences can affect your confidence in situations.
You are better equipped in becoming more confident by identifying what experiences and thinking is affecting your interpretation of the situation. It is analyzing the situation as to why you are not confident.
Also, if you are feeling unhappy or other “negative” emotions when interpreting the situation with your feelings, you are more likely to experience negative actions such as poor confidence. It is the interpretation stage of the perceptual process which is the major focus in overcoming fear and building confidence; how you derive meaning from or “interpret” the world. The unconfident person interprets a person’s unwillingness to communicate as he or she being hated. In the exact same situation, the confident person interprets a person’s unwillingness to communicate as independent of himself or herself provided that is the truth.
Real or Fake Threat
The perceptual stage of interpretation leads us nicely into the second point in the definition of fear which is a “real or fake threat”. We fear because threats are damaging to our mental and physical well-being. Fear is a safety barrier used to protect us psychologically and physically. If it was not for fear, we would all walk into a pit of snakes without a concern for safety. We fear pain and suffering. Fear protects us but too often it holds us back from reality and excelling in performance with whatever we do. We are especially held back when a psychological fear is present like fearing rejection when meeting a new person.
The interpretation stage in perception tells us that different messages and understandings can be drawn from the same situation. How we interpret the world around is entirely dependent on our perception. We see the world through our perception. Gustave Flaubert said, “There is no truth. There is only perception.”
Say there is a car accident with many witnesses whom are asked to recall the event. Each witness will most likely have a different recollection of the event to each other because of interpretation. While some interpretations of the situation will be true, most interpretations will be fake or completely wrong.
What this means for building your confidence is a fake understanding is holding you back. You are psychologically erecting an invisible barrier to the situation which instills poor confidence within you. The psychological barrier doesn’t exist. It is completely given birth based on your wrong interpretation or perception of the situation.
When you have feared something and acted despite of the fear, how often have you found it to be the truth? It hardly ever is! Fear literally evaporates when we take action. Franklin Roosevelt in the 1933 first Inaugural Address said “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” We all subconsciously make-up garbage.
As feelings, thinking, and experiences are used in interpreting the situation, it makes perceptions a very shaky and unreliable source for the truth. What you interpret from a situation is not necessarily reality and will most likely be no more then an invisible psychological barrier in developing confidence to communicate. You are most likely giving birth to fear through “make-believe” thoughts. What you fear will usually not exist!
Prepare for the Worst Case Scenario
Almost all us guys are petrified in approaching women we find attractive. Guys get petrified stiff in a way most women will never understand. A million “what ifs” rush through the guys mind. He fears rejection, being humiliated, and turned down. What this relates to and how it ties in with the interpretive stage of perception is most guys let these “threats” dominate their thinking. Just about all psychological barriers we feel or rather “make up” are entirely fake. We think about the most wackiest worst possible situation and let it control us. This is a fake understanding and destroys our confidence.
One of the greatest pieces of advice in becoming brave no matter what is to think about the worst situation that will occur than psychologically deal with it beforehand. For guys approaching girls, unless she is sulking over the balcony, holding a knife in her hand, or just had a fight, the worst thing that will happen to you is her giving your the cold-shoulder. She will just ignore you. Anything worse is entirely her problem which must not concern you. It becomes her problem and not yours. Think of how this example can be applied to your life in other situations.
…think about the worst situation that will occur than psychologically deal with it beforehand.
Having developed the worst case scenario, prepare yourself to encounter the situation with this worst possible outcome taking place then figure out what you can do to stop it from happening. This not only helps you deal with it should it occur, but it increases the likelihood of your success. Back to the example of a guy walking up to a girl. The guy should be prepared to get the cold-shoulder and even yelled at. As crazy and unlikely that this would happen, the guy now becomes ready to face his fears of approaching the girl which are nothing in respect to the crazy situation from happening. If the worst case plays out, he is able to accept it and deal with it appropriately.
Being Needy and Seeking Approval
I’d say the most common fear unconfident people have is the need for other’s approval. When you give out the need for approval, people will sense that you are needy and unconfident. No one likes to be around these needy people. The need for approval is determined through the unconfident person’s perception so what may seem like reality is in fact unreal. You think you need another person’s approval, but confident people do not need this.
When you rise above the need to be approved by other people your confidence will soar. Your uncertainty will stop, your worrying will stop, and your fear of acceptance will stop once you do not need other’s approval.
A confident woman is her own woman. If the people she is engaging with have nothing that she wants, she is then able to be herself and not worry about what others think.
The same is for us guys except we have an extra source of motivation for not caring what others think. Attraction expert David DeAngelo sees a primary mistake guys make when trying to attract women in their lives and even once they do attract women, is the guy’s clinginess and desire to have the woman’s approval. David explains thoroughly how big of a turn-off this is for women. Surely this awakens a guy’s desire to not want other’s approval and especially amongst women.
The same is true for women who find what they feel to be Mr. Right. The woman becomes clingy and needy towards the man. She needs his approval and begs for attention. This lessens the attraction he feels for her.
Surprisingly, once you do not need approval from others, they will actually approve of you! It’s all about your inner game creating your outer game. A person who knows they do not need other’s approval will give out the message that they are confident and happy with who they are. Now that’s something other people will like!
Clarity Forms Confidence
An interesting characteristic you will notice in people who lack confidence is when they do talk just by listening you are able to tell they lack confidence. They will often talk quietly, mumble, and have poor body-language.
To many times people had to ask me to repeat what little things I did say because of my soft and unclear voice. When you are asked to repeat yourself you develop frustration thinking “Ah, why don’t they just listen?” but the problem lies in you and not them. Acknowledge that you are responsible otherwise you will never solve your problem.
When you let others overrule you, when you forgo your personal needs continuously, and when you have to repeat yourself because you mumbled all because of low confidence levels, you subconsciously condition yourself to talk less confidently. So when you talk less confidently: others begin to overrule you more, you forgo more personal needs, and you lose MORE confidence! It becomes tougher. It is a downhill spiral that can easily take you all the way to the bottom.
Here is how I solved poor voice clarity and volume. I did not learn this from anywhere else. This is from pure experience. Once you learn you do talk softly or with an unclear voice and once you desire to solve the problem, whenever you talk do so with clarity and good volume. You may not do so successfully every time, but you must try. Nothing revolutionary there.
The true tip is making 100% effort and no excuses when doing this. When you are tired or unhappy you will want to revert back to your old ways but you must not if you want to improve. You must have zero tolerance for laziness and always put in your fullest effort to communicate confidently. Also, learn to open your mouth more as you “accentuate” every word that you speak.
When you are relentless and make every effort to talk confidently, you are practicing good habits. When you practice good habits, the behavior is reinforced and you are more likely to repeat the good habit. This rule is true for any habit whether good or bad. The communication learning process will rapidly increase if you make every effort to talk confidently and practice good habits.
Accepting of Others
It is a common characteristic in those who are stubborn or righteous to lack self-confidence. You may perceive these stubborn people as being overly confident but they actually lack the confidence to welcome other’s point of views. These people shield themselves from other’s opinions by failing to listen. They lack the confidence in their own perspectives to welcome other people’s input continuing with their stubborn ways. Confident people are welcoming and not fearful of others.
Confident Non-Verbal Communication
Once you develop verbal clarity you can take the next step in developing fearless communication which is looking at your body language. You need to have high self-awareness in order to be aware of your body language. It is a matter of knowing what you do in certain situations. When you have poor body language others can see fear in you. On the other end, when you communicate confident body language, everyone – especially females – can feel it. Women love confident body language and can see a confident guy from a distance before he even speaks.
The four examples of body language that is counter-productive in developing confidence and how to solve them are:
1. Moving eye contact - people with low confidence levels rarely make eye contact and when they do, as soon as the other person returns that eye contact the person looks away. You do not look silly looking the other person in the eyes. In fact, not making eye contact makes you look weirder and is more annoying to the other person.
Good eye contact will show the person you are listening and that you are interested in what they have to say. However, you can have too much of a good thing. Excessive eye contact is non-verbal aggression. Dr. Peter Andersen, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Body Language, says you will make the other person feel comfortable with about 60% eye contact.
With practice I found that you will develop an intuition or ‘gut-feeling’ when you make the other person uncomfortable. As an example when you make to much eye contact, they will begin to not make eye contact with you or maybe fidget. At the moment, too much eye contact probably is not your concern as you are trying to develop confident body language but you still should be aware of the problems with excessive eye contact.
2. Weak touch - otherwise known as haptics, touch involves bodily contact. What area of haptics we are interested in for developing confident non-verbal communication is mostly the handshake. You will rarely use any other haptics other then a handshake in a normal social situation. It is not as if you normally go around patting people on the back or stroking their arm… I hope. That’s just strange!
What did you feel when someone shook your hand with a soft handshake? I bet you wondered if they cared about you at all or if they lacked confidence to show this concern. This is a ‘girly touch’. A good handshake depends on the receiving person. Most of the time you want a firm handshake, but occasionally with say the elderly you don’t want to be crushing their hand! For guys, when greeting ladies be aware that they do not have gigantic hard hands like you so be a little less firm. A firm handshake shows you care and is an initial way of communicating confidence when meeting someone.
3. Stay away – proxemics is body positions relative to one another. What I mean by “relative to one another” is the distance between you and the other person. You are most comfortable with an intimate or well known person being close to you as opposed to someone you just met. People with low confidence will have a much wider radius of comfort.
A more confident person will not show fear when someone “breaks” their comfortable proxemics. This does not mean they are comfortable with the closeness, it just means they do not show their discomfort. They desire the other person to stay away but they cope with the situation.
Guys, if a lady gets close to you, it is okay to feel uncomfortable. Just do not show discomfort. This will communicate that she does not intimidate you and will increase her level of attraction towards you.
An excellent example of proxemics that I can remember is two Australian Politicians on October 8 the eve of the 2004 federal election. John Howard was greeted by opposition leader Mark Latham aggressively. While Mark Latham did pull John Howard towards him when shaking hands (aggressive haptics), Latham made his body position aggressive by being extremely close and towering over the shorter John Howard. Despite this, Mr. Howard non-verbally stood his ground in confidence by continuing the handshake and smiling towards the cameras. I’m sure John Howard would have felt uncomfortable but he still communicated signs of confidence.
It was said Latham attempted to get revenge for Howard squeezing his wife’s hand too hard at a press function which I found to be funny! If only they were both able to read this!
4. Carry yourself - the last non-verbal communication technique I feel is valuable in developing confidence is kinesics. It involves body movement.
Possibly the most important kinesics in confidence is posture. A slouched posture not only screams an unconfident person, but it has a physical and psychological effect on the person with the poor posture. The physical effect of slouching your shoulders forward is it causes your chest to compress inwards. Your chest compressing simulates expelling air causing you to breathe shallowly. This means if you have poor posture you will have poor breathing.
The psychological effect of poor posture is poorer confidence. I’ll use arguably the world’s best golfer, Tiger Woods, as an example. Tiger is taught to maintain good posture as he approaches each shot. By having good posture he is able to breathe correctly and physically get his body into the right state of confidence. From this his mind is able to focus on the shot ahead. It is a trigger-fire action where one causes the other.
I know once golfer’s lose this state of confidence through poor posture, the affects are surprisingly strong. The golfer’s chest begins to tighten and everything heightens. They then lose their state of control, calmness, and confidence causing poor performance. The same relates to everyday life. We experience poor performance when our breathing becomes shallow. Our level of stress and anxiety begin to increase.
To practice a confident posture, roll your shoulders forward, upwards, and then back down to almost complete a circle. Watch your shoulders as you rotate them and if they are behind to what they were prior to doing the activity and you are comfortable, you have done the activity correctly.
For more great advice on effective body language, I have written ANOTHER free large article on how to be interesting without saying a word at my blog which is an essential read.
What Are You Saying to Yourself?
Otherwise known as self-talk, your thoughts play a large role in determining your confidence level. When you are afraid of stuffing something up in a conversation for example, you have a million thoughts rushing through your mind like: “What if he doesn’t like me?” “What if I don’t know what to say?” “What if I stuff up?” You blow your anxiety and stress to high levels by using this dangerous self-talk. It is damaging to your confidence and how you perform.
Stop worrying. Live in the present and do not talk negatively to yourself. It is as simple as that. Do not beat yourself up with negative self-talk and criticism. You don’t verbally bash your best friend so don’t do it to yourself.
When verbally beating yourself up, you feed your subconscious mind bad “mental food”. Your mind deserves nutritious positive thoughts. The effects of negative self-talk are damaging to your confidence, esteem, and overall success. How can you expect to win against the world if you’re the only person on your team and you’re against yourself? You can not do that. It is near impossible. You can not expect to develop unstoppable confidence and self-esteem fighting yourself.
How can you expect to win against the world if you’re the only person on your team and you’re against yourself?
Picture yourself driving in a car towards your goal. Think of negative self-talk as the brake and positive self-talk and imagery as the accelerator. When you begin to doubt yourself and let fear enter your mind, you are pressing the brakes and slowing yourself down. When you use positive self-talk you accelerate closer to becoming unstoppably confident.
Here’s the main point with the analogy. Most people are pressing the accelerator down by being positive but they do not build in confidence because they are also pressing the brakes by using negativity! It does not really matter if you have positive self-talk, imagery, and visualization because the negativity will stop you from becoming confident.
Top professional athletes are completely aware of their self-talk. Take Tiger Woods for example again. The guy’s roaring with confidence. How can he sink a putt on the 18th to win a golfing major if he’s saying to himself “Oh Tiger. This looks hard. You’re not going to able to get this”? He doesn’t do that! If he did, he would then miss the putt and will verbally bash himself further hurting his confidence to putt well. He does not use negative self-talk which is a contributor to his confidence and success.
Talk and think positively by using affirmations that are congruent with your communication and self goals. Continually say to yourself “I am confident” and by simply thinking and saying this to yourself, you become a more confident person. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This technique is actually very helpful in becoming happier. If you want to be happier anytime, just simply tell yourself you are happy and do happy things. You become happier! Your mind can only hold one dominant thought at a time so make it an empowering thought for your success. Use the principle of substitution by substituting a positive thought for a negative thought then watch your life change before your very eyes.
You will become more confident by affirming that you are confident. It does not matter if you truly are. The process of manifestation states your thoughts lead to feelings which lead to actions. Your thoughts ultimately become your actions and your actions become your reality. Like I have repeatedly said, what goes on inside of you will be seen outside of you.
Love Yourself
As corny and weird as this may sound, love yourself. You do not need to be a jerk that is up himself or herself but you do need to treat yourself like a champion. You will create a higher self-perception and people will treat you better because of this. Treat yourself like rubbish and so will people. You need to be a cheerleader for yourself as others will most likely not be. You are the only person on your team. A lot of these things I have explained such as healthy self-talk will develop once you see and respect yourself like a champion.
Ensuring You Become Confident
I did not and you certainly will not make a giant leap to becoming unstoppably confident. You won’t wake up one morning feeling transformed. It is a progressive journey that takes time. You will stuff up but you can actually enjoy it if you are aware that you will make mistakes.
Just like the need to be aware that a marriage will not be perfect before entering into it, you will enjoy progressively becoming more confident and the likelihood of you achieving unstoppable confidence will increase if you accept mistakes. Screw ups are a part of life.
An extremely powerful message that will reassure you that you are developing and becoming more confident, deals with your thoughts. I have repeatedly explained how your outer game is reflected with what goes on inside of you. To know if you will become confident in the future, look at your mind today. To see who you are today, look at your thoughts in the past. In general, your future is created from your present against the backdrop of the past.
If you are not confident today, it was because of your thoughts in the past. If you are changing your thinking processes today you can project your mindset onto who you will become in the future. This means in the future, who you become will be because of your thoughts now.
Your future is created from your present against the backdrop of the past.
It may seem obvious that working on your confidence now will mean you become more confident in the future, but there are two usual problems people experience.
The first problem is motivation. It can be extremely demotivating and depressing to be unconfident now so you can easily expect to not be confident in the future.
A second problem is people often do not realize that who they are today is because of their past. I actually encourage you to memorize “your future is created from your present against the backdrop of the past” as it will provide a great source of inspiration to keep developing yourself.
Practice, Practice, and Practice
The last point I want to make is encouraging you to go out and practice what you have learned today. Dale Carnegie said:
“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”
I cannot emphasize enough that you need to practice. If you have shyness problems, you will never overcome the problem thinking about it. Most fear comes about from thinking too much. Just get out there, take action, and you will see the fear is in fact a fact threat. The best conqueror of fear, negative emotions, and uncertainty is action. You will remove any doubts you have and in the process develop valuable experience.
You have learned all about your fears and how to communicate confidently so do not let them re-enter with inaction. You have got the knowledge now and all you have to do is apply, learn from your mistakes, and reapply! Go out and practice what you have learned here today and you will be well on your way to becoming a more confident person. Go on! Get out and get busy!
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"If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!" - Joshua Uebergang
I am going to start off by telling you about the problems I had in communicating confidently. I have not seen much variation between people who lack confidence when talking with others so if you are short in the confidence department or just want to have more confidence in your conversations, you’ll definitely be able to relate and learn from my experience. You do not need to go through life lacking confidence and feeling dominated by others and situations.
From an early age, I was always the quiet boy. I’d sit in school knowing the answers to a question but would be too afraid to answer. I couldn’t talk to someone new. I wouldn’t look someone in the eyes if they looked back at me and I’d hardly argue with anyone. Yes arguing is a bad thing, but I avoided arguing not because it was the right thing to do, but because I was too afraid to speak up and voice my opinion. I was passive and unconfident in letting people verbally trample over me.
Being so passively accepting like I was is dangerous for your mental health. A fear to speak from poor confidence can manifest in huge forms of resentment, ill will, and anger which in turn destroys relationships, happiness, and success. You can probably see that talking with confidence is strongly related to assertive communication. Rarely do you see a person who lacks confidence asserting themselves. I’ll try to stick to the confidence side of things as you can read more about assertion in the assertive skills section.
There’s a difference with not engaging in an argument for the sake of the relationship and not engaging in an argument because you are afraid. When you have an unhealthy fear you will avoid communicating yourself, become emotionally hurt, and nothing good will result. You’ll know the truth in side of you if an unhealthy fear and a lack of confidence exists. You’ll be unhappy, extremely frustrated, scared, and feel like you want to explode. You’ll hardly voice your opinions and emotions in conversations because of fear. That was me. I was miles from communicating confidently.
In addition to this type of fear, other common forms of poor communication confidence is the unknown and fear of judgment. These are in situations like meeting new people, public speaking, or giving a presentation. I too suffered from all these fears and believe this type of fear is a pandemic in society. Many people go to public events and are fearful of communicating with others. They will do what they can to stay “under the radar” and avoid possible awkward situations where they would be required to leave their comfort zone.
I didn’t have confidence in myself even though I knew I had something interesting, useful, or helpful to say. It wasn’t safe to do so. There was a hidden psychological barrier that kept pushing me away from communicating confidently. If you’re lacking or have lacked confidence, you know what it feels like. It is a cage in your mind that has you trapped. Your mind tells you you are not allowed to leave the cage because it’s unsafe. It tells you other people will judge, criticize, reject, or disapprove you.
Becoming confident is far more about working on your inner self than what you verbally express. Verbal and non-verbal messages that express your confidence will be created once you develop confidence with your inner self. I’ll teach you later on how your inside becomes your outside which is known as the process of manifestation.
Birth of Fear
The hidden psychological barrier I earlier referred to is fear. The primary attribute in you that is stopping you from communicating confidently is fear.
Like kryptonite to superman as fear is to communicate confidently. Fear is the acid that eats away confidence. Fear is the one tonne bolder that holds back a person from being confident. Fear is the Achilles of self-confidence.
You will build more confidence once you remove the “kryptonite, acid, or one tonne bolder” that is fear. To become confident you need to have little or ultimately no fear. To remove your fears the first step is to look at your fears and understand their “birth” to see what created them.
As a baby you entered into this world in a neutral state of mind. You did not fear people looking at you or staring back at people. You did not constrain your actions because of what other people thought. You were spontaneous without a care in the world as to what other people were thinking of your actions. I think the only fear a baby has is loud noises.
This neutral state of mind changed as you aged. When you were growing up, your parents would tell you, “Watch out!”, “Don’t go there!”, “Don’t do that!”, and “You’re not allowed that!” Your parents conditioned your behavior. After being conditioned, what actions you took after that would be conditional on how you thought your parents would respond. You lost your independence to do as you wish and became dependent on your parents. What you could and couldn’t do became more and more determined by your parents. This stimulated the creation of your fear of failure or fear of success.
As you became an adult, the memories of your parents telling you “Don’t do that!” were implanted into your subconscious mind. This guides your current actions. These childhood experiences manifest into forms of “I can’t do that!” When an opportunity comes to meet someone you see who looks really interesting, powerful, or attractive, you subconsciously reaffirm to yourself “I can’t do that!” When a business opportunity arises, you don’t even have a go at starting it up because you reaffirm to yourself “I can’t do that!” You begin to give up without even trying.
In the Communication Secrets of Making People Like You program I’ve developed, I discuss what is known as the praise-blame dependency trap. The psychological trap is created when praise and blame is put on the person instead of the person’s behavior. Constant praise or blame directly communicated to a person leads them to being dependent upon it. The praise and blame becomes their behavioral “life support”. They cannot live without getting the feedback of others and living up to other people’s standards. Praise and blame leads to poor self-reliance and diminishing levels of confidence. It leads to needy behavior and requiring approval from other people which I discuss later on in this article. It leads to fear of rejection, approval, and disapproval.
Let’s firstly look at what fear is then we can further analyze how it is created and ultimately remove it from your life. Fear is defined as an unlikable emotion towards a perceived real or fake threat. Read that out loud again. It is a perceived real or fake threat.
Perceptual Process
According to psychologists, the psychological process known as “perception” where we interpret the world around us has three stages.
You are firstly exposed to the information. When in a conversation, exposure is being next to the person whom you can hear. Exposure is just a matter of coming within range of the stimulus.
Secondly is attention. It occurs when a stimulus activates one or more of our human senses. In our conversational example, you have attention to the person when you think about what is said. If the person begins to bore you or you are afraid of what the person is thinking of you, you are not thinking about the exposure and so the perceptual process would stop at this stage as you are not paying attention.
The third stage of perception is interpretation. It is the process of adding meaning to the stimulus through your thinking or feelings. The thinking often analyzes the stimulus against past experience. As a conversational example, if a guy recently abused you, you will interpret what he is saying differently than someone who is a great friend with him. You can see how interpretation and experiences can affect your confidence in situations.
You are better equipped in becoming more confident by identifying what experiences and thinking is affecting your interpretation of the situation. It is analyzing the situation as to why you are not confident.
Also, if you are feeling unhappy or other “negative” emotions when interpreting the situation with your feelings, you are more likely to experience negative actions such as poor confidence. It is the interpretation stage of the perceptual process which is the major focus in overcoming fear and building confidence; how you derive meaning from or “interpret” the world. The unconfident person interprets a person’s unwillingness to communicate as he or she being hated. In the exact same situation, the confident person interprets a person’s unwillingness to communicate as independent of himself or herself provided that is the truth.
Real or Fake Threat
The perceptual stage of interpretation leads us nicely into the second point in the definition of fear which is a “real or fake threat”. We fear because threats are damaging to our mental and physical well-being. Fear is a safety barrier used to protect us psychologically and physically. If it was not for fear, we would all walk into a pit of snakes without a concern for safety. We fear pain and suffering. Fear protects us but too often it holds us back from reality and excelling in performance with whatever we do. We are especially held back when a psychological fear is present like fearing rejection when meeting a new person.
The interpretation stage in perception tells us that different messages and understandings can be drawn from the same situation. How we interpret the world around is entirely dependent on our perception. We see the world through our perception. Gustave Flaubert said, “There is no truth. There is only perception.”
Say there is a car accident with many witnesses whom are asked to recall the event. Each witness will most likely have a different recollection of the event to each other because of interpretation. While some interpretations of the situation will be true, most interpretations will be fake or completely wrong.
What this means for building your confidence is a fake understanding is holding you back. You are psychologically erecting an invisible barrier to the situation which instills poor confidence within you. The psychological barrier doesn’t exist. It is completely given birth based on your wrong interpretation or perception of the situation.
When you have feared something and acted despite of the fear, how often have you found it to be the truth? It hardly ever is! Fear literally evaporates when we take action. Franklin Roosevelt in the 1933 first Inaugural Address said “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” We all subconsciously make-up garbage.
As feelings, thinking, and experiences are used in interpreting the situation, it makes perceptions a very shaky and unreliable source for the truth. What you interpret from a situation is not necessarily reality and will most likely be no more then an invisible psychological barrier in developing confidence to communicate. You are most likely giving birth to fear through “make-believe” thoughts. What you fear will usually not exist!
Prepare for the Worst Case Scenario
Almost all us guys are petrified in approaching women we find attractive. Guys get petrified stiff in a way most women will never understand. A million “what ifs” rush through the guys mind. He fears rejection, being humiliated, and turned down. What this relates to and how it ties in with the interpretive stage of perception is most guys let these “threats” dominate their thinking. Just about all psychological barriers we feel or rather “make up” are entirely fake. We think about the most wackiest worst possible situation and let it control us. This is a fake understanding and destroys our confidence.
One of the greatest pieces of advice in becoming brave no matter what is to think about the worst situation that will occur than psychologically deal with it beforehand. For guys approaching girls, unless she is sulking over the balcony, holding a knife in her hand, or just had a fight, the worst thing that will happen to you is her giving your the cold-shoulder. She will just ignore you. Anything worse is entirely her problem which must not concern you. It becomes her problem and not yours. Think of how this example can be applied to your life in other situations.
…think about the worst situation that will occur than psychologically deal with it beforehand.
Having developed the worst case scenario, prepare yourself to encounter the situation with this worst possible outcome taking place then figure out what you can do to stop it from happening. This not only helps you deal with it should it occur, but it increases the likelihood of your success. Back to the example of a guy walking up to a girl. The guy should be prepared to get the cold-shoulder and even yelled at. As crazy and unlikely that this would happen, the guy now becomes ready to face his fears of approaching the girl which are nothing in respect to the crazy situation from happening. If the worst case plays out, he is able to accept it and deal with it appropriately.
Being Needy and Seeking Approval
I’d say the most common fear unconfident people have is the need for other’s approval. When you give out the need for approval, people will sense that you are needy and unconfident. No one likes to be around these needy people. The need for approval is determined through the unconfident person’s perception so what may seem like reality is in fact unreal. You think you need another person’s approval, but confident people do not need this.
When you rise above the need to be approved by other people your confidence will soar. Your uncertainty will stop, your worrying will stop, and your fear of acceptance will stop once you do not need other’s approval.
A confident woman is her own woman. If the people she is engaging with have nothing that she wants, she is then able to be herself and not worry about what others think.
The same is for us guys except we have an extra source of motivation for not caring what others think. Attraction expert David DeAngelo sees a primary mistake guys make when trying to attract women in their lives and even once they do attract women, is the guy’s clinginess and desire to have the woman’s approval. David explains thoroughly how big of a turn-off this is for women. Surely this awakens a guy’s desire to not want other’s approval and especially amongst women.
The same is true for women who find what they feel to be Mr. Right. The woman becomes clingy and needy towards the man. She needs his approval and begs for attention. This lessens the attraction he feels for her.
Surprisingly, once you do not need approval from others, they will actually approve of you! It’s all about your inner game creating your outer game. A person who knows they do not need other’s approval will give out the message that they are confident and happy with who they are. Now that’s something other people will like!
Clarity Forms Confidence
An interesting characteristic you will notice in people who lack confidence is when they do talk just by listening you are able to tell they lack confidence. They will often talk quietly, mumble, and have poor body-language.
To many times people had to ask me to repeat what little things I did say because of my soft and unclear voice. When you are asked to repeat yourself you develop frustration thinking “Ah, why don’t they just listen?” but the problem lies in you and not them. Acknowledge that you are responsible otherwise you will never solve your problem.
When you let others overrule you, when you forgo your personal needs continuously, and when you have to repeat yourself because you mumbled all because of low confidence levels, you subconsciously condition yourself to talk less confidently. So when you talk less confidently: others begin to overrule you more, you forgo more personal needs, and you lose MORE confidence! It becomes tougher. It is a downhill spiral that can easily take you all the way to the bottom.
Here is how I solved poor voice clarity and volume. I did not learn this from anywhere else. This is from pure experience. Once you learn you do talk softly or with an unclear voice and once you desire to solve the problem, whenever you talk do so with clarity and good volume. You may not do so successfully every time, but you must try. Nothing revolutionary there.
The true tip is making 100% effort and no excuses when doing this. When you are tired or unhappy you will want to revert back to your old ways but you must not if you want to improve. You must have zero tolerance for laziness and always put in your fullest effort to communicate confidently. Also, learn to open your mouth more as you “accentuate” every word that you speak.
When you are relentless and make every effort to talk confidently, you are practicing good habits. When you practice good habits, the behavior is reinforced and you are more likely to repeat the good habit. This rule is true for any habit whether good or bad. The communication learning process will rapidly increase if you make every effort to talk confidently and practice good habits.
Accepting of Others
It is a common characteristic in those who are stubborn or righteous to lack self-confidence. You may perceive these stubborn people as being overly confident but they actually lack the confidence to welcome other’s point of views. These people shield themselves from other’s opinions by failing to listen. They lack the confidence in their own perspectives to welcome other people’s input continuing with their stubborn ways. Confident people are welcoming and not fearful of others.
Confident Non-Verbal Communication
Once you develop verbal clarity you can take the next step in developing fearless communication which is looking at your body language. You need to have high self-awareness in order to be aware of your body language. It is a matter of knowing what you do in certain situations. When you have poor body language others can see fear in you. On the other end, when you communicate confident body language, everyone – especially females – can feel it. Women love confident body language and can see a confident guy from a distance before he even speaks.
The four examples of body language that is counter-productive in developing confidence and how to solve them are:
1. Moving eye contact - people with low confidence levels rarely make eye contact and when they do, as soon as the other person returns that eye contact the person looks away. You do not look silly looking the other person in the eyes. In fact, not making eye contact makes you look weirder and is more annoying to the other person.
Good eye contact will show the person you are listening and that you are interested in what they have to say. However, you can have too much of a good thing. Excessive eye contact is non-verbal aggression. Dr. Peter Andersen, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Body Language, says you will make the other person feel comfortable with about 60% eye contact.
With practice I found that you will develop an intuition or ‘gut-feeling’ when you make the other person uncomfortable. As an example when you make to much eye contact, they will begin to not make eye contact with you or maybe fidget. At the moment, too much eye contact probably is not your concern as you are trying to develop confident body language but you still should be aware of the problems with excessive eye contact.
2. Weak touch - otherwise known as haptics, touch involves bodily contact. What area of haptics we are interested in for developing confident non-verbal communication is mostly the handshake. You will rarely use any other haptics other then a handshake in a normal social situation. It is not as if you normally go around patting people on the back or stroking their arm… I hope. That’s just strange!
What did you feel when someone shook your hand with a soft handshake? I bet you wondered if they cared about you at all or if they lacked confidence to show this concern. This is a ‘girly touch’. A good handshake depends on the receiving person. Most of the time you want a firm handshake, but occasionally with say the elderly you don’t want to be crushing their hand! For guys, when greeting ladies be aware that they do not have gigantic hard hands like you so be a little less firm. A firm handshake shows you care and is an initial way of communicating confidence when meeting someone.
3. Stay away – proxemics is body positions relative to one another. What I mean by “relative to one another” is the distance between you and the other person. You are most comfortable with an intimate or well known person being close to you as opposed to someone you just met. People with low confidence will have a much wider radius of comfort.
A more confident person will not show fear when someone “breaks” their comfortable proxemics. This does not mean they are comfortable with the closeness, it just means they do not show their discomfort. They desire the other person to stay away but they cope with the situation.
Guys, if a lady gets close to you, it is okay to feel uncomfortable. Just do not show discomfort. This will communicate that she does not intimidate you and will increase her level of attraction towards you.
An excellent example of proxemics that I can remember is two Australian Politicians on October 8 the eve of the 2004 federal election. John Howard was greeted by opposition leader Mark Latham aggressively. While Mark Latham did pull John Howard towards him when shaking hands (aggressive haptics), Latham made his body position aggressive by being extremely close and towering over the shorter John Howard. Despite this, Mr. Howard non-verbally stood his ground in confidence by continuing the handshake and smiling towards the cameras. I’m sure John Howard would have felt uncomfortable but he still communicated signs of confidence.
It was said Latham attempted to get revenge for Howard squeezing his wife’s hand too hard at a press function which I found to be funny! If only they were both able to read this!
4. Carry yourself - the last non-verbal communication technique I feel is valuable in developing confidence is kinesics. It involves body movement.
Possibly the most important kinesics in confidence is posture. A slouched posture not only screams an unconfident person, but it has a physical and psychological effect on the person with the poor posture. The physical effect of slouching your shoulders forward is it causes your chest to compress inwards. Your chest compressing simulates expelling air causing you to breathe shallowly. This means if you have poor posture you will have poor breathing.
The psychological effect of poor posture is poorer confidence. I’ll use arguably the world’s best golfer, Tiger Woods, as an example. Tiger is taught to maintain good posture as he approaches each shot. By having good posture he is able to breathe correctly and physically get his body into the right state of confidence. From this his mind is able to focus on the shot ahead. It is a trigger-fire action where one causes the other.
I know once golfer’s lose this state of confidence through poor posture, the affects are surprisingly strong. The golfer’s chest begins to tighten and everything heightens. They then lose their state of control, calmness, and confidence causing poor performance. The same relates to everyday life. We experience poor performance when our breathing becomes shallow. Our level of stress and anxiety begin to increase.
To practice a confident posture, roll your shoulders forward, upwards, and then back down to almost complete a circle. Watch your shoulders as you rotate them and if they are behind to what they were prior to doing the activity and you are comfortable, you have done the activity correctly.
For more great advice on effective body language, I have written ANOTHER free large article on how to be interesting without saying a word at my blog which is an essential read.
What Are You Saying to Yourself?
Otherwise known as self-talk, your thoughts play a large role in determining your confidence level. When you are afraid of stuffing something up in a conversation for example, you have a million thoughts rushing through your mind like: “What if he doesn’t like me?” “What if I don’t know what to say?” “What if I stuff up?” You blow your anxiety and stress to high levels by using this dangerous self-talk. It is damaging to your confidence and how you perform.
Stop worrying. Live in the present and do not talk negatively to yourself. It is as simple as that. Do not beat yourself up with negative self-talk and criticism. You don’t verbally bash your best friend so don’t do it to yourself.
When verbally beating yourself up, you feed your subconscious mind bad “mental food”. Your mind deserves nutritious positive thoughts. The effects of negative self-talk are damaging to your confidence, esteem, and overall success. How can you expect to win against the world if you’re the only person on your team and you’re against yourself? You can not do that. It is near impossible. You can not expect to develop unstoppable confidence and self-esteem fighting yourself.
How can you expect to win against the world if you’re the only person on your team and you’re against yourself?
Picture yourself driving in a car towards your goal. Think of negative self-talk as the brake and positive self-talk and imagery as the accelerator. When you begin to doubt yourself and let fear enter your mind, you are pressing the brakes and slowing yourself down. When you use positive self-talk you accelerate closer to becoming unstoppably confident.
Here’s the main point with the analogy. Most people are pressing the accelerator down by being positive but they do not build in confidence because they are also pressing the brakes by using negativity! It does not really matter if you have positive self-talk, imagery, and visualization because the negativity will stop you from becoming confident.
Top professional athletes are completely aware of their self-talk. Take Tiger Woods for example again. The guy’s roaring with confidence. How can he sink a putt on the 18th to win a golfing major if he’s saying to himself “Oh Tiger. This looks hard. You’re not going to able to get this”? He doesn’t do that! If he did, he would then miss the putt and will verbally bash himself further hurting his confidence to putt well. He does not use negative self-talk which is a contributor to his confidence and success.
Talk and think positively by using affirmations that are congruent with your communication and self goals. Continually say to yourself “I am confident” and by simply thinking and saying this to yourself, you become a more confident person. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This technique is actually very helpful in becoming happier. If you want to be happier anytime, just simply tell yourself you are happy and do happy things. You become happier! Your mind can only hold one dominant thought at a time so make it an empowering thought for your success. Use the principle of substitution by substituting a positive thought for a negative thought then watch your life change before your very eyes.
You will become more confident by affirming that you are confident. It does not matter if you truly are. The process of manifestation states your thoughts lead to feelings which lead to actions. Your thoughts ultimately become your actions and your actions become your reality. Like I have repeatedly said, what goes on inside of you will be seen outside of you.
Love Yourself
As corny and weird as this may sound, love yourself. You do not need to be a jerk that is up himself or herself but you do need to treat yourself like a champion. You will create a higher self-perception and people will treat you better because of this. Treat yourself like rubbish and so will people. You need to be a cheerleader for yourself as others will most likely not be. You are the only person on your team. A lot of these things I have explained such as healthy self-talk will develop once you see and respect yourself like a champion.
Ensuring You Become Confident
I did not and you certainly will not make a giant leap to becoming unstoppably confident. You won’t wake up one morning feeling transformed. It is a progressive journey that takes time. You will stuff up but you can actually enjoy it if you are aware that you will make mistakes.
Just like the need to be aware that a marriage will not be perfect before entering into it, you will enjoy progressively becoming more confident and the likelihood of you achieving unstoppable confidence will increase if you accept mistakes. Screw ups are a part of life.
An extremely powerful message that will reassure you that you are developing and becoming more confident, deals with your thoughts. I have repeatedly explained how your outer game is reflected with what goes on inside of you. To know if you will become confident in the future, look at your mind today. To see who you are today, look at your thoughts in the past. In general, your future is created from your present against the backdrop of the past.
If you are not confident today, it was because of your thoughts in the past. If you are changing your thinking processes today you can project your mindset onto who you will become in the future. This means in the future, who you become will be because of your thoughts now.
Your future is created from your present against the backdrop of the past.
It may seem obvious that working on your confidence now will mean you become more confident in the future, but there are two usual problems people experience.
The first problem is motivation. It can be extremely demotivating and depressing to be unconfident now so you can easily expect to not be confident in the future.
A second problem is people often do not realize that who they are today is because of their past. I actually encourage you to memorize “your future is created from your present against the backdrop of the past” as it will provide a great source of inspiration to keep developing yourself.
Practice, Practice, and Practice
The last point I want to make is encouraging you to go out and practice what you have learned today. Dale Carnegie said:
“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”
I cannot emphasize enough that you need to practice. If you have shyness problems, you will never overcome the problem thinking about it. Most fear comes about from thinking too much. Just get out there, take action, and you will see the fear is in fact a fact threat. The best conqueror of fear, negative emotions, and uncertainty is action. You will remove any doubts you have and in the process develop valuable experience.
You have learned all about your fears and how to communicate confidently so do not let them re-enter with inaction. You have got the knowledge now and all you have to do is apply, learn from your mistakes, and reapply! Go out and practice what you have learned here today and you will be well on your way to becoming a more confident person. Go on! Get out and get busy!
You can download this free report by right clicking here and selecting “save target as”. You can keep a copy safely on your computer. Please email this report to others or tell them about this page so they also develop unstoppable confidence. The report is in .pdf format so you will need this free software to view it.
5 Conversation Tips for Dealing with Awkward People
- by Peter Murphy
Any good conversation tips must include reference to things you just should not do. There are some habits that you should put a stop to so you can communicate effectively.
People get annoyed and generally avoid those who display bad communication habits, so learning about them and stopping them if you do them is important to good conversation.
The following conversation tips explain some habits that people display during conversations.
1. Talking on and on
Also know as a blabbermouth, these people tend to monopolize the conversation. They also are usually reduced to just chattering away with nobody really listening. The key sign of this habit is someone who talks non-stop and will not let pothers speak.
These people also never really seem to be talking about anything of interest, just talking about themselves or boring subjects.
Most often someone displays this habit because he or she is nervous. To help someone who displays this habit try to make them feel at ease by showing interest in them and asking questions.
2. All about me
Someone who has this habit always turns the conversation into something about them. They use the phrases ‘me too’ or‘I know how you feel’ a lot. The goal for them is to get the attention on them and allow them to speak. Some people may do this because they feel others are monopolizing the conversation or they may simply want attention.
To help someone with his problem you can pay attention to them, make them feel like they are a valued member of the conversation. If they try to turn the conversation about them then politely direct it back to the original person.
3. Lectures
The best way to handle a know it all is to listen and thank them for their advice, then change the subject.
We all know someone who is way too willing to give advice. This person always has an answer for any situation. They are most often known as a know it all. They seem to know everything on every topic. They also have a way of making their way the only way to do anything. These people may really believe they are helping, so it is sometimes hard to redirect the conversation away from their lecture.
The best way to handle a know it all is to listen and thank them for their advice, then change the subject. When the constantly want to lecture you may want to tell them you are not really looking for advice right now and you would like to handle it your way. Know it alls can be the most difficult habit to handle.
4. Not contributing
These people like to stand around and listen, but not say much. They may interject occasionally, but usually with just a brief sentence or one word answer. They may also never speak, but just use4 body language. The problem here is these people can seem like they are more eavesdropping than conversing and this can make others in the conversation feel awkward.
To help someone who does not speak up much is to actively draw them into the conversation. Most often people display this habit because they are shy.
5. Gossip
Everyone has told a juicy piece of gossip at one point or another. Gossip can be rather damaging, especially when it isn't true. This makes many people feel uneasy around someone who is gossiping. Most people gossip because they feel insecure about themselves.
They may see others lives as more exciting so they'd rather talk about them. Try asking this person questions about their life. Try to find something they are interested in to draw them away from gossip and into a good conversation.
These habits can be annoying at best and conversation stoppers at worse. You should try to improve you communication skills by taking these habits away. If you notice someone else displaying one of these habits you might want to use your new found conversation tips to help them stop.
About the Author: Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because it is available only at: conversation tips
Comments
- by Peter Murphy
Any good conversation tips must include reference to things you just should not do. There are some habits that you should put a stop to so you can communicate effectively.
People get annoyed and generally avoid those who display bad communication habits, so learning about them and stopping them if you do them is important to good conversation.
The following conversation tips explain some habits that people display during conversations.
1. Talking on and on
Also know as a blabbermouth, these people tend to monopolize the conversation. They also are usually reduced to just chattering away with nobody really listening. The key sign of this habit is someone who talks non-stop and will not let pothers speak.
These people also never really seem to be talking about anything of interest, just talking about themselves or boring subjects.
Most often someone displays this habit because he or she is nervous. To help someone who displays this habit try to make them feel at ease by showing interest in them and asking questions.
2. All about me
Someone who has this habit always turns the conversation into something about them. They use the phrases ‘me too’ or‘I know how you feel’ a lot. The goal for them is to get the attention on them and allow them to speak. Some people may do this because they feel others are monopolizing the conversation or they may simply want attention.
To help someone with his problem you can pay attention to them, make them feel like they are a valued member of the conversation. If they try to turn the conversation about them then politely direct it back to the original person.
3. Lectures
The best way to handle a know it all is to listen and thank them for their advice, then change the subject.
We all know someone who is way too willing to give advice. This person always has an answer for any situation. They are most often known as a know it all. They seem to know everything on every topic. They also have a way of making their way the only way to do anything. These people may really believe they are helping, so it is sometimes hard to redirect the conversation away from their lecture.
The best way to handle a know it all is to listen and thank them for their advice, then change the subject. When the constantly want to lecture you may want to tell them you are not really looking for advice right now and you would like to handle it your way. Know it alls can be the most difficult habit to handle.
4. Not contributing
These people like to stand around and listen, but not say much. They may interject occasionally, but usually with just a brief sentence or one word answer. They may also never speak, but just use4 body language. The problem here is these people can seem like they are more eavesdropping than conversing and this can make others in the conversation feel awkward.
To help someone who does not speak up much is to actively draw them into the conversation. Most often people display this habit because they are shy.
5. Gossip
Everyone has told a juicy piece of gossip at one point or another. Gossip can be rather damaging, especially when it isn't true. This makes many people feel uneasy around someone who is gossiping. Most people gossip because they feel insecure about themselves.
They may see others lives as more exciting so they'd rather talk about them. Try asking this person questions about their life. Try to find something they are interested in to draw them away from gossip and into a good conversation.
These habits can be annoying at best and conversation stoppers at worse. You should try to improve you communication skills by taking these habits away. If you notice someone else displaying one of these habits you might want to use your new found conversation tips to help them stop.
About the Author: Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because it is available only at: conversation tips
Comments
Empathy 101: Ten Commandments Of Human Relationships
- by Kerri Salls
These ten commandments of human relations aren't original to me, and I don't know the source. At the same time, they don't go out of style or out of date if you are in business. Everyone in your business must imbue their efforts with these commandments. They are required in every type of relationship be it marketing or selling to clients, providing customer support before or after the sale, working with and negotiating with vendors or your support team and of course internal to your organization.
These skills are not the sole domain of your designated human resource professional. In fact they should be part of your company's Hedgehog Concept (ref: From Good to Great by Jim Collins, http://www.jimcollins.com/lib/books.html)
As the leader of your team, go through these commandments and consider how well you and everyone on your team abides by them. Encouraging their use just might smooth some ruffled feathers or diffuse a tense situation.
1. Speak to People
There is nothing like a cheerful word of greeting. To really connect, look them in the eye as you speak.
2. Smile at People
It takes 72 muscles to frown, only 14 to smile. They can hear the difference in your voice - even over the phone.
3. Call People by Name
The sweetest music to anyone's ear is the sound of his/her own name. Be sure you say it correctly. Say it often.
The 10 human relations commandments are required in every type of relationship... A deep understanding of human interactions is imperative.
4. Be Friendly and Helpful
To have friends and build relationships, be a friend first.
5. Be Cordial
Sincerely speak and act as if everything you do is a genuine pleasure.
6. Be Genuinely Interested In People
You can like almost everybody if you try. They don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. Be sure they know how much you care.
7. Be Generous With Praise
Praise publicly, correct privately. Everyone wins this way.
8. Be Considerate
of the feelings of others. There are usually three sides to a controversy: yours, the other person's, and the right side. Keep ego and emotions in check.
9. Be Alert
to give excellent service. What counts most is what we do for others not ourselves.
10. Have a Good Sense of Humor
Don't take yourself too seriously. When you add lots of patience, and humility, you will have a recipe for enduring success.
Do you think these are soft skills you can brush aside as non-critical? Think again. In this Conceptual Age, a deeper understanding of the subtleties of human interactions becomes not only important but imperative. In fact, at the Stanford Business School, students are flocking to one of the newer courses called "Interpersonal Dynamics". Be sure everyone on your team masters the basics.
About the Author: Kerri Salls, MBA runs a virtual business school to train, consult and coach small business CEO's and entrepreneurs in 10 key strategies to make more profit in less time. Learn more at www.breakthrough-business-school.com/products.html or sign up for a free weekly newsletter at www.breakthrough-business-school.com/newsletter.shtml
Comments
Malar 18 Apr 2006, 02:13
You can include information about "gentle touch" because it comforts and makes the person being touched feel more close and happy.
Josh (EarthlingCommunication.com) 18 Apr 2006, 08:48
In the business context of the article, I would avoid touching as it can be extremely risky in how the person would react. However, a gentle touch at the right time or even a hug to a more appropriate person is awesome. Share the love around.
dagroo 26 Jun 2007, 02:41
so what if others always expect you to be considerate, alert etc. and not reciprocating your effort? is there any point of saturation where enough is enough?
Joshua U (EarthlingCommunication.com) 02 Jul 2007, 10:14
It's your choice. Why hang around someone who is treating you like trash anyway?Continue to do these good things yet I see no reason why you should stay.
- by Kerri Salls
These ten commandments of human relations aren't original to me, and I don't know the source. At the same time, they don't go out of style or out of date if you are in business. Everyone in your business must imbue their efforts with these commandments. They are required in every type of relationship be it marketing or selling to clients, providing customer support before or after the sale, working with and negotiating with vendors or your support team and of course internal to your organization.
These skills are not the sole domain of your designated human resource professional. In fact they should be part of your company's Hedgehog Concept (ref: From Good to Great by Jim Collins, http://www.jimcollins.com/lib/books.html)
As the leader of your team, go through these commandments and consider how well you and everyone on your team abides by them. Encouraging their use just might smooth some ruffled feathers or diffuse a tense situation.
1. Speak to People
There is nothing like a cheerful word of greeting. To really connect, look them in the eye as you speak.
2. Smile at People
It takes 72 muscles to frown, only 14 to smile. They can hear the difference in your voice - even over the phone.
3. Call People by Name
The sweetest music to anyone's ear is the sound of his/her own name. Be sure you say it correctly. Say it often.
The 10 human relations commandments are required in every type of relationship... A deep understanding of human interactions is imperative.
4. Be Friendly and Helpful
To have friends and build relationships, be a friend first.
5. Be Cordial
Sincerely speak and act as if everything you do is a genuine pleasure.
6. Be Genuinely Interested In People
You can like almost everybody if you try. They don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. Be sure they know how much you care.
7. Be Generous With Praise
Praise publicly, correct privately. Everyone wins this way.
8. Be Considerate
of the feelings of others. There are usually three sides to a controversy: yours, the other person's, and the right side. Keep ego and emotions in check.
9. Be Alert
to give excellent service. What counts most is what we do for others not ourselves.
10. Have a Good Sense of Humor
Don't take yourself too seriously. When you add lots of patience, and humility, you will have a recipe for enduring success.
Do you think these are soft skills you can brush aside as non-critical? Think again. In this Conceptual Age, a deeper understanding of the subtleties of human interactions becomes not only important but imperative. In fact, at the Stanford Business School, students are flocking to one of the newer courses called "Interpersonal Dynamics". Be sure everyone on your team masters the basics.
About the Author: Kerri Salls, MBA runs a virtual business school to train, consult and coach small business CEO's and entrepreneurs in 10 key strategies to make more profit in less time. Learn more at www.breakthrough-business-school.com/products.html or sign up for a free weekly newsletter at www.breakthrough-business-school.com/newsletter.shtml
Comments
Malar 18 Apr 2006, 02:13
You can include information about "gentle touch" because it comforts and makes the person being touched feel more close and happy.
Josh (EarthlingCommunication.com) 18 Apr 2006, 08:48
In the business context of the article, I would avoid touching as it can be extremely risky in how the person would react. However, a gentle touch at the right time or even a hug to a more appropriate person is awesome. Share the love around.
dagroo 26 Jun 2007, 02:41
so what if others always expect you to be considerate, alert etc. and not reciprocating your effort? is there any point of saturation where enough is enough?
Joshua U (EarthlingCommunication.com) 02 Jul 2007, 10:14
It's your choice. Why hang around someone who is treating you like trash anyway?Continue to do these good things yet I see no reason why you should stay.
If you have good interpersonal skills, otherwise known as effective skills in building special relationships, you have an enormous earning potential.
Interpersonal communication is absolutely everything in today's world. You can have good relationships with your family, friends, customers, and co-workers, but possessing these skills will result in a family member who happily talks about their deepest problems to you. It results in a customer wanting to buy from your company. It will mean you can lead co-workers to new achievements if that is your desire.
It blends in with every other area of communication, so it is almost like the ultimate outcome of a skilled communicator. For this reason, it needs to be at the top of your ultimate goals. Not behind your goal to one day take over the world, but in front of it! By having these skills you will increase your chances of world domination. Read on to learn more about building special relationships.
http://www.earthlingcommunication.com/interpersonal-skills.php
Improving Interpersonal Relationships
- by Burt Goldman
When you come to the realization that interpersonal relationships are based on needs then the steps following become simple and effective
To understand what a relationship is, how to bring one about, how to enhance one, and why relationships are diminished and lost, one must understand the power of a person's needs.
The most important things in the world, to us, are the things we believe that we need. Needs affect opinions, attitudes, and viewpoints. Generally we're more aware of unfulfilled needs than the ones that are consistently met.
Fundamental life needs in particular are so commonly accepted that we usually overlook them. No one is aware of the air breathed, the ground walked on, the water drunk, and yet these are the needs we miss most when gone.
The key to a good interpersonal relationships is simple once you understand the role that needs play in making a relationship weak, moderate, average, or strong. Let"s give the word relationship a different definition from the dictionaries, for unlocking the meaning of the word often leads to greater understanding.
Here is the word defined: A good relationship is a mutual filling of needs.
When two people have strong needs and each fills the other's needs, there is a powerful interpersonal relationship. When two people have weak needs and each fills the other's needs, there is a mild relationship. When either person has strong needs and those needs are not being filled, there is a poor relationship. When either has weak needs and those needs are not being filled, there is a mild relationship, but one leaning more to the negative side than the positive. When a weak need is not being filled, there isn't much caring either way.
To enhance any relationship is simple: find out what the other person needs and then fill that need. To end a relationship the reverse is true. Find out what the other person needs and keep those needs unfilled.
It's as simple as that. The great principle of correspondence states, "As above, so below, as below so above." When you know the key to happiness you have also learned the key to unhappiness. Without realizing it, when you know how to be a failure, you also know how to be a success.
The key to improving interpersonal relationships is simple once you understand the role needs play.
When you are successful at failing in interpersonal relationships, you also know how to be successful at succeeding in relationships, once the concept is understood. An individual who fails at a relationship is a person who neglects the needs of the partner. So it would follow that the first step to a successful relationship is to determine what needs the other person has. It is also vital to understand your own needs so that you can help the other person in the relationship to fill your needs.
Unfortunately not only do the great majority of people fail to see or to understand the other person's needs, they do not understand their own. Children have wonderful relationships with their parents as long as their great needs are being filled. When the needs are unfulfilled, the relationship changes and problems arise. As the child grows, needs change; it is essential that the parent recognize the changes. As it is with the child to the parent, so it is with the parent to the child.
When you ask, "How can I help better this relationship?" you are asking the wrong question. To get the correct answer we have to ask the right question. A better question would be, "How can I fill this person's needs?"
We now come to that fundamental question with regard to a good interpersonal relationship. "How do I discover and recognize needs? Needs in myself as well as needs in others." It is sometimes easier to recognize another person's needs; our own needs are often hidden by fear, guilt, and programming.
The way to recognize needs in other people is by their response to you. When you do or say something and you get a positive response, you are well on the way to need recognition. As it is in others, so it is in you. What is it you respond to in a positive manner? What do you feel good about getting and about doing? What are you totally guiltless about? What can you do with complete confidence and fearlessness? What emotional scene can you manipulate without fear or guilt? Look in these areas for your needs and you will in all probability find your answers.
When using our methods for need recognition and relationship enhancement, the land of alpha will open you to a good deal more information than a simple thoughtful moment at the beta level of consciousness. As previously stated, our own needs are often hidden by fear, guilt, and past programming. The techniques and exercises covered in the Power of Self Mind Control will allow you to identify your needs and show you why you are who you are in regards to interpersonal relationships. Your effectiveness in influencing and dealing with people will greatly increase with the power of self mind control.
About the Author: The above article is a beautiful excerpt from Burt Goldman's latest book, "The Power of Self Mind Control." You can learn more about his latest book at http://www.GoldmanMethod.com.
Interpersonal communication is absolutely everything in today's world. You can have good relationships with your family, friends, customers, and co-workers, but possessing these skills will result in a family member who happily talks about their deepest problems to you. It results in a customer wanting to buy from your company. It will mean you can lead co-workers to new achievements if that is your desire.
It blends in with every other area of communication, so it is almost like the ultimate outcome of a skilled communicator. For this reason, it needs to be at the top of your ultimate goals. Not behind your goal to one day take over the world, but in front of it! By having these skills you will increase your chances of world domination. Read on to learn more about building special relationships.
http://www.earthlingcommunication.com/interpersonal-skills.php
Improving Interpersonal Relationships
- by Burt Goldman
When you come to the realization that interpersonal relationships are based on needs then the steps following become simple and effective
To understand what a relationship is, how to bring one about, how to enhance one, and why relationships are diminished and lost, one must understand the power of a person's needs.
The most important things in the world, to us, are the things we believe that we need. Needs affect opinions, attitudes, and viewpoints. Generally we're more aware of unfulfilled needs than the ones that are consistently met.
Fundamental life needs in particular are so commonly accepted that we usually overlook them. No one is aware of the air breathed, the ground walked on, the water drunk, and yet these are the needs we miss most when gone.
The key to a good interpersonal relationships is simple once you understand the role that needs play in making a relationship weak, moderate, average, or strong. Let"s give the word relationship a different definition from the dictionaries, for unlocking the meaning of the word often leads to greater understanding.
Here is the word defined: A good relationship is a mutual filling of needs.
When two people have strong needs and each fills the other's needs, there is a powerful interpersonal relationship. When two people have weak needs and each fills the other's needs, there is a mild relationship. When either person has strong needs and those needs are not being filled, there is a poor relationship. When either has weak needs and those needs are not being filled, there is a mild relationship, but one leaning more to the negative side than the positive. When a weak need is not being filled, there isn't much caring either way.
To enhance any relationship is simple: find out what the other person needs and then fill that need. To end a relationship the reverse is true. Find out what the other person needs and keep those needs unfilled.
It's as simple as that. The great principle of correspondence states, "As above, so below, as below so above." When you know the key to happiness you have also learned the key to unhappiness. Without realizing it, when you know how to be a failure, you also know how to be a success.
The key to improving interpersonal relationships is simple once you understand the role needs play.
When you are successful at failing in interpersonal relationships, you also know how to be successful at succeeding in relationships, once the concept is understood. An individual who fails at a relationship is a person who neglects the needs of the partner. So it would follow that the first step to a successful relationship is to determine what needs the other person has. It is also vital to understand your own needs so that you can help the other person in the relationship to fill your needs.
Unfortunately not only do the great majority of people fail to see or to understand the other person's needs, they do not understand their own. Children have wonderful relationships with their parents as long as their great needs are being filled. When the needs are unfulfilled, the relationship changes and problems arise. As the child grows, needs change; it is essential that the parent recognize the changes. As it is with the child to the parent, so it is with the parent to the child.
When you ask, "How can I help better this relationship?" you are asking the wrong question. To get the correct answer we have to ask the right question. A better question would be, "How can I fill this person's needs?"
We now come to that fundamental question with regard to a good interpersonal relationship. "How do I discover and recognize needs? Needs in myself as well as needs in others." It is sometimes easier to recognize another person's needs; our own needs are often hidden by fear, guilt, and programming.
The way to recognize needs in other people is by their response to you. When you do or say something and you get a positive response, you are well on the way to need recognition. As it is in others, so it is in you. What is it you respond to in a positive manner? What do you feel good about getting and about doing? What are you totally guiltless about? What can you do with complete confidence and fearlessness? What emotional scene can you manipulate without fear or guilt? Look in these areas for your needs and you will in all probability find your answers.
When using our methods for need recognition and relationship enhancement, the land of alpha will open you to a good deal more information than a simple thoughtful moment at the beta level of consciousness. As previously stated, our own needs are often hidden by fear, guilt, and past programming. The techniques and exercises covered in the Power of Self Mind Control will allow you to identify your needs and show you why you are who you are in regards to interpersonal relationships. Your effectiveness in influencing and dealing with people will greatly increase with the power of self mind control.
About the Author: The above article is a beautiful excerpt from Burt Goldman's latest book, "The Power of Self Mind Control." You can learn more about his latest book at http://www.GoldmanMethod.com.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
My name is Mira Evans and I am crazy about people. I want to get my Master's Degree in Interpersonal Communication. I love meeting and talking to people and hearing about their life experiences. If you are reading this blog and I don't know you I would love to have that opportunity to meet you and get to know you.
Conflict in Interpersonal Relationships
Interpersonal Relationships and Conflict resolution
By Rob Sandelin. © Community Resource Guide 1997. Reproduction and distribution of this material for profit, without the permission of the author, is prohibited. Contact the author at Floriferous@msn.com
Dealing with interpersonal relationships is a complex subject that is often given inadequate attention by communities. Each individual in a group has a particular and unique personality style that has been shaped by the lifetime of their experience. There are driver types and quiet folk, expressives, analyticals, reserved, shy, reactive and many others. After you have been working together for awhile, an attentive person with training will recognize members personalities and styles and then use that understanding to predict how the group will react to different situations. As the group gets into conflicts, the elements of group dynamics and personality style need to be taken into account by the facilitators of the group.
Getting to know yourself
It is important to make, even at a surface level, some determination about yourself and how you are likely to affect the group dynamic. Ask yourself : Do I talk a lot, or very little? Am I confident about myself and my ideas? Do I listen to others well, or am I impatient having to listen to others? Am I empathetic to others or do I care mostly about getting the task done? When others speak, am I listening to what they say, or thinking about what I am going to say? Am I quick to anger? Am I defensive or accepting when someone talks about my behavior? Do I ramble or am I a bulleted list sort of person? What makes me annoyed? What makes me feel good?
As you define yourself as a member of the group you will find your strengths and areas that need improving. A good exercise in community building is to share how you perceive yourself. There are a number of personality style tests that are available and offer huge value to group understanding.
Getting to know each other
Getting to know one another is not a fast process, and the more the group changes and the larger it gets the longer it takes. It is hard to trust strangers and community demands a great deal of trust. Many groups neglect this, assuming that the "business" is more important than their relationships. It can be easy to incorporate social activities as part of business meetings, but the group should also hold purely social gatherings, where the point is to have fun. Share stories of where you grew up, important turning points in your life, people who you admire. Another way is to write up biographies of each other, one member interviewing another and then keeping these in a notebook for future members to read and add to. Go out for a weekend retreat and spend time talking and learning about one another.
Working with personality style conflicts
One of the most common sources of conflict and angst in all types of intentional communities is the friction between the "doers and the talkers". This dichotomy between task and process is very common and is often a source of conflict and frustration in community.
A healthy community has a balance between task and process. Think of task and process like the wings of a bird. If one wing is shorter than the other, the bird flies around in circles. If there is mostly task and little process, the friction’s between people will erupt into communication problems and the resulting conflicts keep tasks from moving forward. Conversely, too much process, and everybody spends much of their time in feelings meetings and the tasks that need doing languish. However, when task and process are balanced, both wings are working at maximum efficiency to carry the community in the direction it wants to go. You need process to determine the direction to go and how to work together, you need task orientation to accomplish all the jobs needed.
Often the conflicts that arise from process and task chafing come from personality styles. There are a number of tests, such as Meyers-Briggs that measure how a person reacts to events and people. The sum total of these reactions are called your personality style. Personality style characterizes how you approach group work and can and usually does effect your attitudes about other people you work with.
The task oriented vs. the process oriented person
A task oriented person is a person who gets great pleasure in getting results. They create prioritized, bulleted to do lists and then check off items accomplished. They are often fact and results driven, and want the bottom line clearly defined. They often want details organized, and they tend to know exactly where things are. So conversely, they are uncomfortable with ambiguity and get annoyed by discussions that are not related to tasks at hand. They have little patience for digressions. In extreme cases, if you ask them how they feel about an issue, they will minimize it, and be annoyed by the fact that you asked them for their feelings not the facts.
A process oriented person is one who gets pleasure from working with people. They want to make people feel good about what is happening, and they see the world in terms of relationships. They tend to not be interested so much in facts as the consequences of the facts and may also be disorganized, easily loosing place of the current discussion thread. They may care more about getting out peoples feelings than worrying about details or results. They tend to be very comfortable with ambiguity and tend to get annoyed by bulleted prioritized task lists and serial sequencing. If you ask them for the facts, they tend to want to move into relationships and concepts instead and may become annoyed that you asked them for the facts rather than their feelings.
Now, both the descriptions above are huge oversimplifications of the enormously complex arena of personality types, but it illustrates the differences and sets up the idea that both styles look at group endeavors with very different perspectives. Both perspectives are equally valid. Let me repeat that: Both perspectives are equally valid.
The key element to understand is that neither the task nor process orientated person is right, they simply are differences in orientation to working in the group. Both styles (and all the others that exist) need to be recognized, celebrated and then worked with as the group dynamic unfolds. Ideally your group has a good mixture of styles, and although this can seem chaotic, it is actually a very good thing, much better than if you were all one style or another. Both task and process styles really do benefit the group as long as you learn what the other needs.
So let’s look at a couple sample conflicts involving the two styles and how they can end up. The meeting agenda for xyz cohousing has several issues on it and the first issue is about a process issue. The discussion goes on and on about how people feel about a particular issue and Task Oriented Mary is getting more and more frustrated. Finally she blows up at the facilitator for wasting so much of the meeting time on this one discussion about feelings. She stomps out of the room in a huff.
Another day, another group meeting. This time the agenda item is full of numbers and lists and complex papers about some development aspect. The meeting goes on and the task oriented people are making to do lists and trivializing or putting down peoples issues because "We need to get things done". Process Oriented Mary is detached and uninvolved. Although she has opinions, she is feeling alienated by the whole depersonalization of the issues. At the break she leaves. Nobody notices at first, and then they shrug it off maybe with relief, that they can "get things done now".
One of the best ways for style angst to be worked out in a meeting is for the individuals to be allowed to state what they are feeling and what they want. For example, in the problem with Task-Oriented Mary, she could have asked the group for help by saying something like: "As a task oriented person, the 35 minutes of discussion here with no real summary or end point in site is making me frustrated. Can we move to the proposal stage soon, or may I be excused until you finish your discussion?"
By clearly stating her frustrations, and proposing two solutions, she has made the group aware of her needs and the group then has choices to work with. Some larger groups use a system of colored cards where different colors represent different types of input. In most systems, there is a color for process and so when the meeting is not working, it can be changed by input from the individuals it’s not working for. In extreme cases, task oriented people will have difficulty asking for what they want and the facilitator needs to watch for angst from the task oriented people and then intervene on their behalf.
Recognizing your personality style and the needs and limitations it places you under is a key step in understanding how to work with a group. Both task and process styles have important contributions to make and you have to be patient and recognize the value of styles that are different from yours. You will be annoyed with your style opposite sometimes, so use that annoyance constructively to make changes in the process that benefit the group.
If you are a task oriented person, you can help the group get organized and working on results. Your skills at seeing the bottom line can help the group when you summarize information, add facts, or urge the group towards concrete proposals.
If you are a process oriented person you offer the skills of building relationships and understandings so that proposals can be made that get accepted and implemented with a high degree of spirit. You can work to keep the morale of the group high by offering personal support and acknowledgment of peoples work.
Groups often go through cycles where task or process gets emphasis in the groups activities. There may be a period where you make many decisions, hard and fast, and work with lots of information, get lots of details accomplished and then get somewhat paralyzed by what may seem to be a minor side issue. The group then focuses on process work, working through the issue, hearing emotional side issues, talking with each other and building up communication bridges and processes.
Over time, most experienced and successful groups learn to balance the task and process parts of their activities so each works to complement the other. As meeting skills grow in the group, the facilitator can capture emotional issues that get raised as part of a task agenda and skillfully roll them into the task processing so the end result is the optimum for everyone. When you can balance both the task wing and the process wing so they work together, your group will fly as high as it can go.
Sharing feelings
There can be undercurrents of bad feelings which don't get talked about. One technique that can bring this out is to do a feeling circle, in which everyone in the group expresses how they are feeling. For this to work some ground rules are needed:
· Only one person speaks at a time around the circle.
· No defensive reactions are allowed in the circle.
· Start your contribution to the circle with "I".
The goals of the feelings circle should be written down and placed where everyone can see them. Some sample goals:
I am here to learn about my neighbors and myself.
I will listen carefully with an open heart to what you have to say about me.
I will speak for myself only, and speak the truth as I see it.
The way feeling circles work is for members to simply state whatever is on their mind. For example, a member might say: " I'm feeling disappointed because no one else helped me work in the garden yesterday." This helps focus the group on feelings and also can define some larger issues for discussion. For this kind of sharing to work it is important that the circle not be interrupted by defensive answers, but that each person is allowed to speak without interruption. Participants have to be free to express feelings without immediate reaction. If this becomes part of the meeting routine, even very shy individuals may come to express themselves. A nice addition to this is to add a "I really appreciate_____" round at the end.
Sometimes feeling circles can be focused on a specific issue. They can be a way of dealing with a particular issue, a conflict between individuals, an individual behavior, or even as a healing source for someone who loses a family member or has some other personal crisis. Or they can be general in nature, focusing on getting to know one anothers histories by responding to set questions such as: A story from my childhood, people that are important to me, lessons in life I have learned and who taught them, the most important thing I ever did, the most dangerous moment in my life. These kinds of sharing circles allow people to learn about each other in new ways.
Active listening
Active listening is a skill which enhances communication. In active listening you listen carefully, then paraphrase back what you heard, with the goal of supporting and drawing out the feelings of the speaker. When this is done well it validates a persons feelings and encourages him or her to fully communicate. The goal of active listening is to help clarify the feelings and thinking behind the words. When active listening is applied it creates a supportive bond between the speaker and the listener. Because there is no threat of criticism or judgment, the speaker is encouraged to express feelings honestly.
The important thing about active listening is that it is not intended to change or alter the feelings of the speaker, only to support them in expressing their feelings. When you try and advise or change the message the speaker gives, it forces them to defend themselves, which often causes further denial of the feelings and experiences. When the listener responds by trying to change the speakers way of looking at things, to see the situation from the listeners perspective, the listener is trying to divert the communication down the path to meet their needs, not the speakers.
One of the special difficulties in active listening is when the listener is called on for decisions, judgments or evaluations. Often what the speaker is doing in this situation is try to pass the buck, and disguise or mask the expression of feelings. In active listening it is best to try to identify the emotional context of the question and leave an opening for the speaker to say what is really bothering him.
For example Jim, a teenager doing childcare comes to the meeting looking upset and says:
"I'll never get anywhere with those damn kids. Why did I ever sign up for childcare, this is impossible!".
An active listening response would be something like:
"You had a problem with the kids? You sound pretty frustrated."
The active listener checks in on the emotional context which includes body language, then summarizes back what the speaker said. Often this encourages the speaker to continue.
"Yeah , those kids just don't listen to me when I tell them what to do."
The speaker has continued to describe the problem in more detail. Again the listener paraphrases what the speaker has said in order to encourage the dialog.
"So the kids didn't listen to you?"
"Yeah, I tried to tell them how to set up the game but they just went into it an created their own rules."
Now with a better understanding of the situation the listener tries to capture the emotion and rephrase back to the speaker.
"Being ignored like that must have made you mad."
"Boy don't you know it. I just walked away I was so mad. I guess I should go back and see if I can work it out. Being in charge is hard sometimes."
In effective active listening the goal is to convey back to the speaker that we are seeing things from his or her viewpoint. The listener must look for and respond to feelings. Not all of a message is in the words so non-verbal clues can help the listener be aware of the speakers feelings.
Triangulation: talking about others when they are not present
When people get into conflicts with each other, one of the fine arts of conflict is to use triangulation to bring people to your side of the issue. The way this works is that when A and B have a conflict, B talks to C and tells C lots of negative things about A. The goal of this type of triangulation is to degrade the person not present. This kind of malicious gossip can occur very easily and spontaneously, you may not even realize what it has done until you analyze why you feel a certain way towards someone, or how you ever got such a wrong notion about someone. Malicious triangulation is very dysfunctional behavior and is one of the worse things that can happen in a community. Malicious gossip and character assassination undermine relationships in a huge way. They poison peoples perspectives of each other, fill voids of understanding with misinformation and deceit, and create an atmosphere of distrust, disrespect and paranoia.
Now sometimes, to help your own understanding of people and their conflicts you need to get and share information about people who are not present. This is healthy and normal and there is an easy test to distinguish between what is healthy and helpful and what is unhealthy and destructive. It's the invisible person test. When the topic of someone who is not present comes up, imagine that the person of whom you are speaking or hearing about is standing behind you. If what you say, or hear would make that person angry, defensive, or unhappy you are engaged in an unhealthy triangulation.
When you find yourself in triangulation's about others, use the invisible person test and point it out to those present. If you go along with triangulation and character assassination, you become an accomplice to dysfunctional behavior that is very destructive to relationships. Relationships are the foundation of community.
If you don't care about the community dynamic involved here let me add something to catch your self interest: People who gossip to you, in turn, will gossip about you. So if you want to create a place where you don't have to worry about what people are saying about YOU behind YOUR back, it is worth the personal investment to point out triangulation whenever it happens.
Resolving Conflicts
Conflicts and miscommunications occur. They are part of life. Not everyone thinks, acts or responds in the same way and members come under stress at different times which causes differences in tolerance and patience. Not everyone has the same level of commitment, honesty, or even integrity. It is important to define a process that resolves problems and encourages members to talk about the issues under conflict in a controlled and reasonable way, even if those issues are intensely personal. Many people are conditioned to avoid conflict at any cost, that conflict is bad, a failure. Overcoming this tendency to avoid conflict is hard and conflict resolution training is a good first step. Conflict is healthy and a normal part of any human relationship. One of the most important elements of all the successful intentional communities is a clearly defined process for dealing with group and personal conflicts. Sometimes conflicts can't be resolved and must simply be respectfully accepted as differences. Vegetarian versus meat eater can be such a conflict within a community.
If you ignore conflicts between individuals, it is common to find these conflicts coming into meetings as hidden agendas. In some communities interpersonal conflicts are expected to be resolved by the individuals, not the group. Some communities have the whole group take responsibility for conflict resolution between members. Figure out a strategy for who is responsible for interpersonal conflict resolution and set some community ground rules. Interpersonal conflicts often start out as poor communication. The more frank and open you are while communicating, the less conflict and less severe conflict will exist.
Sometimes meetings become really intense, and negotiations and discussions become counterproductive. The whole meeting environment becomes too emotionally charged to reach a solution. Conflicts can be emotionally draining, and meetings dealing with conflict can leave you feeling wrung out and exhausted. Group conflict resolution is a very demanding process and sometimes you are not up to it. Under these conditions is it often best for the facilitator to break the meeting or adjourn to another time with perhaps a homework assignment for each individual to brainstorm all the pros and cons of the issue to bring back to the next meeting.
Common conflict issues
Kids and dogs are two of the most conflict rife issues any community deals with. Another big issue is personal behaviors which have a negative impact on others, such as an individual who frequently uses a loud and angry voice which intimidates other members. Other issues often causing conflict include gun ownership, private use of common areas, clothing optional facilities, hidden sexual agendas, bad cooks, parking - specifically drive up parking, house location selection, how to add common amenities that not everyone will use. Personality styles often lead to clashes, especially between task oriented and process oriented styles.
Some conflict resolution strategies
Begin conflict communication with "I" statements that reflect how you feel. The " I am feeling" statements create a group process where individuals feelings are out front. For example, here are two ways to say the same thing: "I need to have the bathrooms be larger so I can play my Tuba in the bathtub" and "The bathrooms you guys designed are too small." In the first sentence, the individual is expressing her needs, which can then be discussed and worked around. In the second sentence the individual could be construed as criticizing others, who may react defensively, and it is unclear what the individual needs are.
Learn to identify what is needed by another person and learn how to gracefully ask another person to define what they need.
A very key question in working with conflicts is "why?". Why do you feel so strongly about this? Why are you shouting? Why do you have such angst over this issue? Why do you think that way? Learn to ask for clarification when an issue becomes a conflict.
In a consensus process where one person is blocking, have that person choose a "clearness committee" of people either within, or from outside the group. The purpose of this small group is to support and help the member or members clarify why they feel as they do about the issue. The members in the clearness committee just listen, or encourage the person to speak by asking supportive and clarifying questions. It is very important to understand that the goal of this process is not to change the opinion or feelings of the blocking individual but to clarify the reasons and thinking of the blocking individual. The result can be that once the reasons for the block are clarified, the community has more options for dealing with it. Sometimes in this way consensus can be reached, sometimes the blocking position is strengthened and consensus is not reachable.
Having someone within the group who is trained in mediation skills, or hiring an outside trained mediator can be very useful. The group will need to decide how mediation is to be handled and under what circumstances it will be used. Setting up conflict mediation early is important, so that a plan can be in place should a major conflict occur. Having an outside opinion can do wonders for a stuck process.
Determine whether the disagreement is over facts or the respective feelings about the facts. Ask questions to discover the underlying assumptions, values, and attitudes. Separate feelings from facts by using the phrases like: "To me", "in my opinion", "it appears to me". When people feel intensely about issues it is important to ask them: "Why do you feel so strongly about this?" Keep asking that until the real issues emerge. Often the real issues are buried and the current issue in dispute is only the carrier for feelings left unexpressed.
Don't make it personal. If you disagree about an idea or concept frame the discussion around the idea, not the person. Say: " I don't agree with that idea", not, "your idea is stupid".
Try reversing the roles. Agree to argue the other side for 15 minutes and then express the other viewpoint as persuasively as you can. This can be an effective way of keeping a single issue conflict from escalating into a larger conflict. If you do this with integrity you will find that, amazingly enough, the other side has some validity.
Is it really an either/ or issue? Put both sides away and brainstorm other ideas. Often conflicts come because of boxed thinking, the participants believe that there is only a limited solution. Conflict occurs when people believe there is only one way. Break through happens when people discover there is a third way, a fourth way, a fifth way.
Do a trial solution. Lets try this for 3 weeks and evaluate it. Often a group must make decisions without adequate knowlege or experience. Doing a trail solution and then evaluating the results can often result in future changes and also can reassure reluctant participants, since the decision is not permanent.
Do a deliberate defocusing by temporarily adjourning the meeting for two hours. Let people go get food, relax in the sun, gather in small groups to talk or walk in the woods. If time concerns make a two hour break not possible, take a five minute silent thinking break where the goal is just to quietly reflect on the issue. Often this sort of change of atmosphere helps people think through an issue and come up with ideas for resolution
If people get visibly mad, stop the discussion. If you can't discuss the issue without anger you need mediation. Get professional arbitration help early in a conflict where real visible anger is present. If people get visibly angry, and if you take a "time-out" meeting adjournment, make the time-out last at least one hour, and two hours is better. The hormones that anger releases take at least 90 minutes to dissipate and these hormones will not let the body be calm, no matter what.
Create a special group meeting environment where members can argue, disagree, yell, cry, stomp around, get mad, hug, or whatever it takes. Part of the sense of community is feeling safe enough to let real feelings out; these kinds of expressions, as uncomfortable as they may be to some, will help the community to grow.
If you are arguing about details or specifics, back up a step to a bigger concept. Sometimes people who won’t agree about the details can agree on a concept or goal. Then the details can be sorted and placed in relationship to the agreed upon concept or goal. It is often a good idea to define and agree on goals first, then try and find agreement on details that support the goal.
Rather than try to find the right answer, throw out the bad answers, the things you agree won’t work. This might narrow the focus and also bring out something you hadn’t thought of before.
Watch for you or the group putting someone in a untenable dominant position. Some people are leaders and take action, while others wait and follow. If a leader oversteps their authority it might not be all their fault, expecially if a group lets them take leadership in the first place.
If personal behavior problems occur, it is a very good idea to have a mediator help the group. Communicate privately or in a sharing circle how individuals affect the process using "When this happens, I feel Y" language. For example, When yelling happens in the meeting, I feel insecure and I close down and stop talking for the rest of the meeting". Avoid putting the blame on inviduals until you have clearly defined the behavior and the problems it causes. Then, if that does not end the behavior, bring it up in context of the individual. For example, "When you yelled at the meeting, I felt threatened and stopped contributing and was afraid to say anything."
By Rob Sandelin. © Community Resource Guide 1997. Reproduction and distribution of this material for profit, without the permission of the author, is prohibited. Contact the author at Floriferous@msn.com
Dealing with interpersonal relationships is a complex subject that is often given inadequate attention by communities. Each individual in a group has a particular and unique personality style that has been shaped by the lifetime of their experience. There are driver types and quiet folk, expressives, analyticals, reserved, shy, reactive and many others. After you have been working together for awhile, an attentive person with training will recognize members personalities and styles and then use that understanding to predict how the group will react to different situations. As the group gets into conflicts, the elements of group dynamics and personality style need to be taken into account by the facilitators of the group.
Getting to know yourself
It is important to make, even at a surface level, some determination about yourself and how you are likely to affect the group dynamic. Ask yourself : Do I talk a lot, or very little? Am I confident about myself and my ideas? Do I listen to others well, or am I impatient having to listen to others? Am I empathetic to others or do I care mostly about getting the task done? When others speak, am I listening to what they say, or thinking about what I am going to say? Am I quick to anger? Am I defensive or accepting when someone talks about my behavior? Do I ramble or am I a bulleted list sort of person? What makes me annoyed? What makes me feel good?
As you define yourself as a member of the group you will find your strengths and areas that need improving. A good exercise in community building is to share how you perceive yourself. There are a number of personality style tests that are available and offer huge value to group understanding.
Getting to know each other
Getting to know one another is not a fast process, and the more the group changes and the larger it gets the longer it takes. It is hard to trust strangers and community demands a great deal of trust. Many groups neglect this, assuming that the "business" is more important than their relationships. It can be easy to incorporate social activities as part of business meetings, but the group should also hold purely social gatherings, where the point is to have fun. Share stories of where you grew up, important turning points in your life, people who you admire. Another way is to write up biographies of each other, one member interviewing another and then keeping these in a notebook for future members to read and add to. Go out for a weekend retreat and spend time talking and learning about one another.
Working with personality style conflicts
One of the most common sources of conflict and angst in all types of intentional communities is the friction between the "doers and the talkers". This dichotomy between task and process is very common and is often a source of conflict and frustration in community.
A healthy community has a balance between task and process. Think of task and process like the wings of a bird. If one wing is shorter than the other, the bird flies around in circles. If there is mostly task and little process, the friction’s between people will erupt into communication problems and the resulting conflicts keep tasks from moving forward. Conversely, too much process, and everybody spends much of their time in feelings meetings and the tasks that need doing languish. However, when task and process are balanced, both wings are working at maximum efficiency to carry the community in the direction it wants to go. You need process to determine the direction to go and how to work together, you need task orientation to accomplish all the jobs needed.
Often the conflicts that arise from process and task chafing come from personality styles. There are a number of tests, such as Meyers-Briggs that measure how a person reacts to events and people. The sum total of these reactions are called your personality style. Personality style characterizes how you approach group work and can and usually does effect your attitudes about other people you work with.
The task oriented vs. the process oriented person
A task oriented person is a person who gets great pleasure in getting results. They create prioritized, bulleted to do lists and then check off items accomplished. They are often fact and results driven, and want the bottom line clearly defined. They often want details organized, and they tend to know exactly where things are. So conversely, they are uncomfortable with ambiguity and get annoyed by discussions that are not related to tasks at hand. They have little patience for digressions. In extreme cases, if you ask them how they feel about an issue, they will minimize it, and be annoyed by the fact that you asked them for their feelings not the facts.
A process oriented person is one who gets pleasure from working with people. They want to make people feel good about what is happening, and they see the world in terms of relationships. They tend to not be interested so much in facts as the consequences of the facts and may also be disorganized, easily loosing place of the current discussion thread. They may care more about getting out peoples feelings than worrying about details or results. They tend to be very comfortable with ambiguity and tend to get annoyed by bulleted prioritized task lists and serial sequencing. If you ask them for the facts, they tend to want to move into relationships and concepts instead and may become annoyed that you asked them for the facts rather than their feelings.
Now, both the descriptions above are huge oversimplifications of the enormously complex arena of personality types, but it illustrates the differences and sets up the idea that both styles look at group endeavors with very different perspectives. Both perspectives are equally valid. Let me repeat that: Both perspectives are equally valid.
The key element to understand is that neither the task nor process orientated person is right, they simply are differences in orientation to working in the group. Both styles (and all the others that exist) need to be recognized, celebrated and then worked with as the group dynamic unfolds. Ideally your group has a good mixture of styles, and although this can seem chaotic, it is actually a very good thing, much better than if you were all one style or another. Both task and process styles really do benefit the group as long as you learn what the other needs.
So let’s look at a couple sample conflicts involving the two styles and how they can end up. The meeting agenda for xyz cohousing has several issues on it and the first issue is about a process issue. The discussion goes on and on about how people feel about a particular issue and Task Oriented Mary is getting more and more frustrated. Finally she blows up at the facilitator for wasting so much of the meeting time on this one discussion about feelings. She stomps out of the room in a huff.
Another day, another group meeting. This time the agenda item is full of numbers and lists and complex papers about some development aspect. The meeting goes on and the task oriented people are making to do lists and trivializing or putting down peoples issues because "We need to get things done". Process Oriented Mary is detached and uninvolved. Although she has opinions, she is feeling alienated by the whole depersonalization of the issues. At the break she leaves. Nobody notices at first, and then they shrug it off maybe with relief, that they can "get things done now".
One of the best ways for style angst to be worked out in a meeting is for the individuals to be allowed to state what they are feeling and what they want. For example, in the problem with Task-Oriented Mary, she could have asked the group for help by saying something like: "As a task oriented person, the 35 minutes of discussion here with no real summary or end point in site is making me frustrated. Can we move to the proposal stage soon, or may I be excused until you finish your discussion?"
By clearly stating her frustrations, and proposing two solutions, she has made the group aware of her needs and the group then has choices to work with. Some larger groups use a system of colored cards where different colors represent different types of input. In most systems, there is a color for process and so when the meeting is not working, it can be changed by input from the individuals it’s not working for. In extreme cases, task oriented people will have difficulty asking for what they want and the facilitator needs to watch for angst from the task oriented people and then intervene on their behalf.
Recognizing your personality style and the needs and limitations it places you under is a key step in understanding how to work with a group. Both task and process styles have important contributions to make and you have to be patient and recognize the value of styles that are different from yours. You will be annoyed with your style opposite sometimes, so use that annoyance constructively to make changes in the process that benefit the group.
If you are a task oriented person, you can help the group get organized and working on results. Your skills at seeing the bottom line can help the group when you summarize information, add facts, or urge the group towards concrete proposals.
If you are a process oriented person you offer the skills of building relationships and understandings so that proposals can be made that get accepted and implemented with a high degree of spirit. You can work to keep the morale of the group high by offering personal support and acknowledgment of peoples work.
Groups often go through cycles where task or process gets emphasis in the groups activities. There may be a period where you make many decisions, hard and fast, and work with lots of information, get lots of details accomplished and then get somewhat paralyzed by what may seem to be a minor side issue. The group then focuses on process work, working through the issue, hearing emotional side issues, talking with each other and building up communication bridges and processes.
Over time, most experienced and successful groups learn to balance the task and process parts of their activities so each works to complement the other. As meeting skills grow in the group, the facilitator can capture emotional issues that get raised as part of a task agenda and skillfully roll them into the task processing so the end result is the optimum for everyone. When you can balance both the task wing and the process wing so they work together, your group will fly as high as it can go.
Sharing feelings
There can be undercurrents of bad feelings which don't get talked about. One technique that can bring this out is to do a feeling circle, in which everyone in the group expresses how they are feeling. For this to work some ground rules are needed:
· Only one person speaks at a time around the circle.
· No defensive reactions are allowed in the circle.
· Start your contribution to the circle with "I".
The goals of the feelings circle should be written down and placed where everyone can see them. Some sample goals:
I am here to learn about my neighbors and myself.
I will listen carefully with an open heart to what you have to say about me.
I will speak for myself only, and speak the truth as I see it.
The way feeling circles work is for members to simply state whatever is on their mind. For example, a member might say: " I'm feeling disappointed because no one else helped me work in the garden yesterday." This helps focus the group on feelings and also can define some larger issues for discussion. For this kind of sharing to work it is important that the circle not be interrupted by defensive answers, but that each person is allowed to speak without interruption. Participants have to be free to express feelings without immediate reaction. If this becomes part of the meeting routine, even very shy individuals may come to express themselves. A nice addition to this is to add a "I really appreciate_____" round at the end.
Sometimes feeling circles can be focused on a specific issue. They can be a way of dealing with a particular issue, a conflict between individuals, an individual behavior, or even as a healing source for someone who loses a family member or has some other personal crisis. Or they can be general in nature, focusing on getting to know one anothers histories by responding to set questions such as: A story from my childhood, people that are important to me, lessons in life I have learned and who taught them, the most important thing I ever did, the most dangerous moment in my life. These kinds of sharing circles allow people to learn about each other in new ways.
Active listening
Active listening is a skill which enhances communication. In active listening you listen carefully, then paraphrase back what you heard, with the goal of supporting and drawing out the feelings of the speaker. When this is done well it validates a persons feelings and encourages him or her to fully communicate. The goal of active listening is to help clarify the feelings and thinking behind the words. When active listening is applied it creates a supportive bond between the speaker and the listener. Because there is no threat of criticism or judgment, the speaker is encouraged to express feelings honestly.
The important thing about active listening is that it is not intended to change or alter the feelings of the speaker, only to support them in expressing their feelings. When you try and advise or change the message the speaker gives, it forces them to defend themselves, which often causes further denial of the feelings and experiences. When the listener responds by trying to change the speakers way of looking at things, to see the situation from the listeners perspective, the listener is trying to divert the communication down the path to meet their needs, not the speakers.
One of the special difficulties in active listening is when the listener is called on for decisions, judgments or evaluations. Often what the speaker is doing in this situation is try to pass the buck, and disguise or mask the expression of feelings. In active listening it is best to try to identify the emotional context of the question and leave an opening for the speaker to say what is really bothering him.
For example Jim, a teenager doing childcare comes to the meeting looking upset and says:
"I'll never get anywhere with those damn kids. Why did I ever sign up for childcare, this is impossible!".
An active listening response would be something like:
"You had a problem with the kids? You sound pretty frustrated."
The active listener checks in on the emotional context which includes body language, then summarizes back what the speaker said. Often this encourages the speaker to continue.
"Yeah , those kids just don't listen to me when I tell them what to do."
The speaker has continued to describe the problem in more detail. Again the listener paraphrases what the speaker has said in order to encourage the dialog.
"So the kids didn't listen to you?"
"Yeah, I tried to tell them how to set up the game but they just went into it an created their own rules."
Now with a better understanding of the situation the listener tries to capture the emotion and rephrase back to the speaker.
"Being ignored like that must have made you mad."
"Boy don't you know it. I just walked away I was so mad. I guess I should go back and see if I can work it out. Being in charge is hard sometimes."
In effective active listening the goal is to convey back to the speaker that we are seeing things from his or her viewpoint. The listener must look for and respond to feelings. Not all of a message is in the words so non-verbal clues can help the listener be aware of the speakers feelings.
Triangulation: talking about others when they are not present
When people get into conflicts with each other, one of the fine arts of conflict is to use triangulation to bring people to your side of the issue. The way this works is that when A and B have a conflict, B talks to C and tells C lots of negative things about A. The goal of this type of triangulation is to degrade the person not present. This kind of malicious gossip can occur very easily and spontaneously, you may not even realize what it has done until you analyze why you feel a certain way towards someone, or how you ever got such a wrong notion about someone. Malicious triangulation is very dysfunctional behavior and is one of the worse things that can happen in a community. Malicious gossip and character assassination undermine relationships in a huge way. They poison peoples perspectives of each other, fill voids of understanding with misinformation and deceit, and create an atmosphere of distrust, disrespect and paranoia.
Now sometimes, to help your own understanding of people and their conflicts you need to get and share information about people who are not present. This is healthy and normal and there is an easy test to distinguish between what is healthy and helpful and what is unhealthy and destructive. It's the invisible person test. When the topic of someone who is not present comes up, imagine that the person of whom you are speaking or hearing about is standing behind you. If what you say, or hear would make that person angry, defensive, or unhappy you are engaged in an unhealthy triangulation.
When you find yourself in triangulation's about others, use the invisible person test and point it out to those present. If you go along with triangulation and character assassination, you become an accomplice to dysfunctional behavior that is very destructive to relationships. Relationships are the foundation of community.
If you don't care about the community dynamic involved here let me add something to catch your self interest: People who gossip to you, in turn, will gossip about you. So if you want to create a place where you don't have to worry about what people are saying about YOU behind YOUR back, it is worth the personal investment to point out triangulation whenever it happens.
Resolving Conflicts
Conflicts and miscommunications occur. They are part of life. Not everyone thinks, acts or responds in the same way and members come under stress at different times which causes differences in tolerance and patience. Not everyone has the same level of commitment, honesty, or even integrity. It is important to define a process that resolves problems and encourages members to talk about the issues under conflict in a controlled and reasonable way, even if those issues are intensely personal. Many people are conditioned to avoid conflict at any cost, that conflict is bad, a failure. Overcoming this tendency to avoid conflict is hard and conflict resolution training is a good first step. Conflict is healthy and a normal part of any human relationship. One of the most important elements of all the successful intentional communities is a clearly defined process for dealing with group and personal conflicts. Sometimes conflicts can't be resolved and must simply be respectfully accepted as differences. Vegetarian versus meat eater can be such a conflict within a community.
If you ignore conflicts between individuals, it is common to find these conflicts coming into meetings as hidden agendas. In some communities interpersonal conflicts are expected to be resolved by the individuals, not the group. Some communities have the whole group take responsibility for conflict resolution between members. Figure out a strategy for who is responsible for interpersonal conflict resolution and set some community ground rules. Interpersonal conflicts often start out as poor communication. The more frank and open you are while communicating, the less conflict and less severe conflict will exist.
Sometimes meetings become really intense, and negotiations and discussions become counterproductive. The whole meeting environment becomes too emotionally charged to reach a solution. Conflicts can be emotionally draining, and meetings dealing with conflict can leave you feeling wrung out and exhausted. Group conflict resolution is a very demanding process and sometimes you are not up to it. Under these conditions is it often best for the facilitator to break the meeting or adjourn to another time with perhaps a homework assignment for each individual to brainstorm all the pros and cons of the issue to bring back to the next meeting.
Common conflict issues
Kids and dogs are two of the most conflict rife issues any community deals with. Another big issue is personal behaviors which have a negative impact on others, such as an individual who frequently uses a loud and angry voice which intimidates other members. Other issues often causing conflict include gun ownership, private use of common areas, clothing optional facilities, hidden sexual agendas, bad cooks, parking - specifically drive up parking, house location selection, how to add common amenities that not everyone will use. Personality styles often lead to clashes, especially between task oriented and process oriented styles.
Some conflict resolution strategies
Begin conflict communication with "I" statements that reflect how you feel. The " I am feeling" statements create a group process where individuals feelings are out front. For example, here are two ways to say the same thing: "I need to have the bathrooms be larger so I can play my Tuba in the bathtub" and "The bathrooms you guys designed are too small." In the first sentence, the individual is expressing her needs, which can then be discussed and worked around. In the second sentence the individual could be construed as criticizing others, who may react defensively, and it is unclear what the individual needs are.
Learn to identify what is needed by another person and learn how to gracefully ask another person to define what they need.
A very key question in working with conflicts is "why?". Why do you feel so strongly about this? Why are you shouting? Why do you have such angst over this issue? Why do you think that way? Learn to ask for clarification when an issue becomes a conflict.
In a consensus process where one person is blocking, have that person choose a "clearness committee" of people either within, or from outside the group. The purpose of this small group is to support and help the member or members clarify why they feel as they do about the issue. The members in the clearness committee just listen, or encourage the person to speak by asking supportive and clarifying questions. It is very important to understand that the goal of this process is not to change the opinion or feelings of the blocking individual but to clarify the reasons and thinking of the blocking individual. The result can be that once the reasons for the block are clarified, the community has more options for dealing with it. Sometimes in this way consensus can be reached, sometimes the blocking position is strengthened and consensus is not reachable.
Having someone within the group who is trained in mediation skills, or hiring an outside trained mediator can be very useful. The group will need to decide how mediation is to be handled and under what circumstances it will be used. Setting up conflict mediation early is important, so that a plan can be in place should a major conflict occur. Having an outside opinion can do wonders for a stuck process.
Determine whether the disagreement is over facts or the respective feelings about the facts. Ask questions to discover the underlying assumptions, values, and attitudes. Separate feelings from facts by using the phrases like: "To me", "in my opinion", "it appears to me". When people feel intensely about issues it is important to ask them: "Why do you feel so strongly about this?" Keep asking that until the real issues emerge. Often the real issues are buried and the current issue in dispute is only the carrier for feelings left unexpressed.
Don't make it personal. If you disagree about an idea or concept frame the discussion around the idea, not the person. Say: " I don't agree with that idea", not, "your idea is stupid".
Try reversing the roles. Agree to argue the other side for 15 minutes and then express the other viewpoint as persuasively as you can. This can be an effective way of keeping a single issue conflict from escalating into a larger conflict. If you do this with integrity you will find that, amazingly enough, the other side has some validity.
Is it really an either/ or issue? Put both sides away and brainstorm other ideas. Often conflicts come because of boxed thinking, the participants believe that there is only a limited solution. Conflict occurs when people believe there is only one way. Break through happens when people discover there is a third way, a fourth way, a fifth way.
Do a trial solution. Lets try this for 3 weeks and evaluate it. Often a group must make decisions without adequate knowlege or experience. Doing a trail solution and then evaluating the results can often result in future changes and also can reassure reluctant participants, since the decision is not permanent.
Do a deliberate defocusing by temporarily adjourning the meeting for two hours. Let people go get food, relax in the sun, gather in small groups to talk or walk in the woods. If time concerns make a two hour break not possible, take a five minute silent thinking break where the goal is just to quietly reflect on the issue. Often this sort of change of atmosphere helps people think through an issue and come up with ideas for resolution
If people get visibly mad, stop the discussion. If you can't discuss the issue without anger you need mediation. Get professional arbitration help early in a conflict where real visible anger is present. If people get visibly angry, and if you take a "time-out" meeting adjournment, make the time-out last at least one hour, and two hours is better. The hormones that anger releases take at least 90 minutes to dissipate and these hormones will not let the body be calm, no matter what.
Create a special group meeting environment where members can argue, disagree, yell, cry, stomp around, get mad, hug, or whatever it takes. Part of the sense of community is feeling safe enough to let real feelings out; these kinds of expressions, as uncomfortable as they may be to some, will help the community to grow.
If you are arguing about details or specifics, back up a step to a bigger concept. Sometimes people who won’t agree about the details can agree on a concept or goal. Then the details can be sorted and placed in relationship to the agreed upon concept or goal. It is often a good idea to define and agree on goals first, then try and find agreement on details that support the goal.
Rather than try to find the right answer, throw out the bad answers, the things you agree won’t work. This might narrow the focus and also bring out something you hadn’t thought of before.
Watch for you or the group putting someone in a untenable dominant position. Some people are leaders and take action, while others wait and follow. If a leader oversteps their authority it might not be all their fault, expecially if a group lets them take leadership in the first place.
If personal behavior problems occur, it is a very good idea to have a mediator help the group. Communicate privately or in a sharing circle how individuals affect the process using "When this happens, I feel Y" language. For example, When yelling happens in the meeting, I feel insecure and I close down and stop talking for the rest of the meeting". Avoid putting the blame on inviduals until you have clearly defined the behavior and the problems it causes. Then, if that does not end the behavior, bring it up in context of the individual. For example, "When you yelled at the meeting, I felt threatened and stopped contributing and was afraid to say anything."
Improving Interpersonal Relationships By Burt Goldman
When you come to the realization that interpersonal relationships are based on needs then the steps following become simple and effectiveTo understand what a relationship is, how to bring one about, how to enhance one, and why relationships are diminished and lost, one must understand the power of a person’s needs. The most important things in the world, to us, are the things we believe that we need. Needs affect opinions, attitudes, and viewpoints. Generally we’re more aware of unfulfilled needs than the ones that are consistently met.Fundamental life needs in particular are so commonly accepted that we usually overlook them. No one is aware of the air breathed, the ground walked on, the water drunk, and yet these are the needs we miss most when gone. The key to a good interpersonal relationships is simple once you understand the role that needs play in making a relationship weak, moderate, average, or strong. Let’s give the word relationship a different definition from the dictionaries, for unlocking the meaning of the word often leads to greater understanding.Here is the word defined: A good relationship is a mutual filling of needs.When two people have strong needs and each fills the other’s needs, there is a powerful interpersonal relationship. When two people have weak needs and each fills the other’s needs, there is a mild relationship. When either person has strong needs and those needs are not being filled, there is a poor relationship. When either has weak needs and those needs are not being filled, there is a mild relationship, but one leaning more to the negative side than the positive. When a weak need is not being filled, there isn’t much caring either way.To enhance any relationship is simple: find out what the other person needs and then fill that need. To end a relationship the reverse is true. Find out what the other person needs and keep those needs unfilled.It’s as simple as that. The great principle of correspondence states, “As above, so below, as below so above.” When you know the key to happiness you have also learned the key to unhappiness. Without realizing it, when you know how to be a failure, you also know how to be a success.When you are successful at failing in interpersonal relationships, you also know how to be successful at succeeding in relationships, once the concept is understood. An individual who fails at a relationship is a person who neglects the needs of the partner. So it would follow that the first step to a successful relationship is to determine what needs the other person has. It is also vital to understand your own needs so that you can help the other person in the relationship to fill your needs.Unfortunately not only do the great majority of people fail to see or to understand the other person’s needs, they do not understand their own. Children have wonderful relationships with their parents as long as their great needs are being filled. When the needs are unfulfilled, the relationship changes and problems arise. As the child grows, needs change; it is essential that the parent recognize the changes. As it is with the child to the parent, so it is with the parent to the child.When you ask, “How can I help better this relationship?” you are asking the wrong question. To get the correct answer we have to ask the right question. A better question would be, “How can I fill this person’s needs?”We now come to that fundamental question with regard to a good interpersonal relationship. “How do I discover and recognize needs? Needs in myself as well as needs in others.” It is sometimes easier to recognize another person’s needs; our own needs are often hidden by fear, guilt, and programming.The way to recognize needs in other people is by their response to you. When you do or say something and you get a positive response, you are well on the way to need recognition. As it is in others, so it is in you. What is it you respond to in a positive manner? What do you feel good about getting and about doing? What are you totally guiltless about? What can you do with complete confidence and fearlessness? What emotional scene can you manipulate without fear or guilt? Look in these areas for your needs and you will in all probability find your answers.When using our methods for need recognition and relationship enhancement, the land of alpha will open you to a good deal more information than a simple thoughtful moment at the Beta level of consciousness. As previously stated, our own needs are often hidden by fear, guilt, and past programming. The techniques and exercises covered in the Power of Self Mind Control will allow you to identify your needs and show you why you are who you are in regards to interpersonal relationships. Your effectiveness in influencing and dealing with people will greatly increase with the power of self mind control. Author's Bio
The above article is a beautiful excerpt from Burt Goldman's latest book, "The Power of Self Mind Control." You can learn more about his latest book at http://www.selfmindcontrol.com/ Burt Goldman has also been a Silva Mind instructor teaching techniques to make the rest of your life the best of your life. To learn about Silva seminars near you just visit http://www.silvaultramindsystem.com/
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When you come to the realization that interpersonal relationships are based on needs then the steps following become simple and effectiveTo understand what a relationship is, how to bring one about, how to enhance one, and why relationships are diminished and lost, one must understand the power of a person’s needs. The most important things in the world, to us, are the things we believe that we need. Needs affect opinions, attitudes, and viewpoints. Generally we’re more aware of unfulfilled needs than the ones that are consistently met.Fundamental life needs in particular are so commonly accepted that we usually overlook them. No one is aware of the air breathed, the ground walked on, the water drunk, and yet these are the needs we miss most when gone. The key to a good interpersonal relationships is simple once you understand the role that needs play in making a relationship weak, moderate, average, or strong. Let’s give the word relationship a different definition from the dictionaries, for unlocking the meaning of the word often leads to greater understanding.Here is the word defined: A good relationship is a mutual filling of needs.When two people have strong needs and each fills the other’s needs, there is a powerful interpersonal relationship. When two people have weak needs and each fills the other’s needs, there is a mild relationship. When either person has strong needs and those needs are not being filled, there is a poor relationship. When either has weak needs and those needs are not being filled, there is a mild relationship, but one leaning more to the negative side than the positive. When a weak need is not being filled, there isn’t much caring either way.To enhance any relationship is simple: find out what the other person needs and then fill that need. To end a relationship the reverse is true. Find out what the other person needs and keep those needs unfilled.It’s as simple as that. The great principle of correspondence states, “As above, so below, as below so above.” When you know the key to happiness you have also learned the key to unhappiness. Without realizing it, when you know how to be a failure, you also know how to be a success.When you are successful at failing in interpersonal relationships, you also know how to be successful at succeeding in relationships, once the concept is understood. An individual who fails at a relationship is a person who neglects the needs of the partner. So it would follow that the first step to a successful relationship is to determine what needs the other person has. It is also vital to understand your own needs so that you can help the other person in the relationship to fill your needs.Unfortunately not only do the great majority of people fail to see or to understand the other person’s needs, they do not understand their own. Children have wonderful relationships with their parents as long as their great needs are being filled. When the needs are unfulfilled, the relationship changes and problems arise. As the child grows, needs change; it is essential that the parent recognize the changes. As it is with the child to the parent, so it is with the parent to the child.When you ask, “How can I help better this relationship?” you are asking the wrong question. To get the correct answer we have to ask the right question. A better question would be, “How can I fill this person’s needs?”We now come to that fundamental question with regard to a good interpersonal relationship. “How do I discover and recognize needs? Needs in myself as well as needs in others.” It is sometimes easier to recognize another person’s needs; our own needs are often hidden by fear, guilt, and programming.The way to recognize needs in other people is by their response to you. When you do or say something and you get a positive response, you are well on the way to need recognition. As it is in others, so it is in you. What is it you respond to in a positive manner? What do you feel good about getting and about doing? What are you totally guiltless about? What can you do with complete confidence and fearlessness? What emotional scene can you manipulate without fear or guilt? Look in these areas for your needs and you will in all probability find your answers.When using our methods for need recognition and relationship enhancement, the land of alpha will open you to a good deal more information than a simple thoughtful moment at the Beta level of consciousness. As previously stated, our own needs are often hidden by fear, guilt, and past programming. The techniques and exercises covered in the Power of Self Mind Control will allow you to identify your needs and show you why you are who you are in regards to interpersonal relationships. Your effectiveness in influencing and dealing with people will greatly increase with the power of self mind control. Author's Bio
The above article is a beautiful excerpt from Burt Goldman's latest book, "The Power of Self Mind Control." You can learn more about his latest book at http://www.selfmindcontrol.com/ Burt Goldman has also been a Silva Mind instructor teaching techniques to make the rest of your life the best of your life. To learn about Silva seminars near you just visit http://www.silvaultramindsystem.com/
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